Deception of the Worst Kind
by lalas
Summary: What happens when James finally gets exactly what he's always wanted; a chance with Lily. The only problem is they are both already involved with other people. L/J
1. Boyfriends

"Hey love," Jacob Martin said while coming up from behind his girlfriend Lily Evans and giving her a light kiss on the cheek. "I missed you today," he said his flattery prompting her to break out in a wide smile and stand up to greet him properly. After kissing him thoroughly, Lily took a moment to admire her boyfriend of five months and a smirk worthy of a Slytherin formed on her delicate features.

He was unbelievably hot, kind, very smart, and best of all he fancied the pants off of her. _Damn_, but life was good sometimes. Even so though, it was amazing really that he had lasted as long as he had, not many other guys had managed to hold her attention like he had. In fact almost none lasted past the three month mark. Her friends had been a little surprised at this turn in events as they had almost given up hope that she would ever find anyone to satisfy her high standards. But what they had failed to realise was that it wasn't high standards that kept her from committing, although they were a part of it, it was that she always found herself searching for something, something that she had yet to fine, yet to even identify and something that her past boyfriends just couldn't seem to provide.

"Honestly," he continued breaking her out of her thoughts "I don't know how I get through potions without you."

Lily mentally rolled her eyes but she smiled consolingly and said out loud "I know, I wish I got to see more of you during the day too, but alas Ravenclaw and Gryffindor almost never have classes together."

"Gryffindors are paired up with the Slytherins a lot, right?" he asked thoughtfully.

"Yeah," she said leaning forward conspiratorially "I'm starting to think it's like a tradition, I swear every year the teachers pick the most volatile possible classes and put them together just to watch the fireworks. I think it puts some of the fun back into their lives."

He laughed before checking his watch, "I'm really sorry Lil, but I can't stop, I only came in to tell you I won't have time to eat with you today. I have to get to Quidditch practice. Something about wanting to beat Gryffindor within an inch of their lives," he said smiling rebelliously.

She checked her watch too before saying, "No that's totally fine. Actually I wouldn't have been able to eat dinner with you either, but I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast, yeah?"

"Definitely, but where are you going?"

"Oh, Potter and I have to go over the stuff for the prefects meeting. Head stuff," she said with a long suffering sigh.

"Again?" he asked his forehead creasing and wrapping a supportive arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah," she said pulling a face. "I'm starting to wonder why people think the position is such an honour."

"Poor baby," he sympathized kissing the crown of her head "But bugger I hadn't realised there was a prefects meeting later. I'm not going to miss it am I? I'm sorry, I didn't think it was until Monday," he said frowning.

"No don't worry your right, it's not, but what with it being Potter's birthday this week, there is a party in the common room on Saturday. Black does it every year" she said with a reminiscent smile, "and me being the kind and generous person that I am," she grinned, "I agreed that we could do the work early. That way he can feel free to celebrate without having to worry."

"Oh yes, very generous of you and I'm sure that there is no ulterior motive whatsoever." he laughed, before he said more as if it were a statement of fact than a question "so you're going to the party"

"Yeah, which means doing the work early benefits me too, it means that I have plenty of time to get over my own hangover," she said lightly.

"Yeah that's what I thought" he said nodding his head seriously but with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

He looked at his watch again and started slightly, "Shit, I've really got to go, I didn't mean to get caught up with you like this, you're such a distraction woman" he said pinching her side playfully, "I'm going to be late now because of you."

"Sorry" she said not at all remorseful.

"Don't work too hard at you're meeting and don't let Potter get to you," he said giving her another kiss.

"I'll try not to. Oh, and don't hurt yourself too much at training. Don't forget no matter how hard you practice Gryffindor will still crush you like the bugs that you are, so no need to kill yourself trying for something that will never happen," she stated matter of factly.

"Oh yeah, and what makes you so sure?" he asked haughtily.

She smiled beatifically, "Potter may be a nuisance, but he is one fine Quidditch captain."

He gave her a pretend pout before putting on a whiny voice, "but Lily you're my girlfriend! What about supporting your man?"

"Rough game Quidditch!" Lily laughed. "Suck it up man! You're great and all that, but I have my Gryffindor pride!"

"Is that so?" he said before kissing her deeply. When he pulled away he said, "How bout now, more willing to come to the dark side?"

"Never! No matter how good the perks," she said happily.

"Fine, but don't think I've given up," he said nodding seriously before grinning broadly and walking away.

She watched him until he was out of the Great Hall before resuming the seat she had started out in, and looking across the table to her best friends.

Emily Conner, Lily's best friend and a spunky girl with intelligence and a sharp wit, gave a dramatic swoon while Lucy Hughes her other best friend and the blue eyed baby of the group sighed melodramatically.

"What?" Lily asked with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, finally noticed that there are other people in the world except for you and Jacob?" asked Emily crossly, but the effect was ruined because she was smiling.

"Oh leave her alone, she's so lucky," whined Lucy.

"Yes, yes we've established that before," said Emily exasperatedly. "he's so hot you could cook eggs on his arse, but what I want to know Miss. Head Girl is what the hell you were thinking about while he was talking to you. Don't think I didn't see that dirty little smirk flit across you face. What in the world were you thinking about? Spill."

"What can I say he's a beautiful specimen," said Lily in a solemn voice.

Emily just stared at her a moment waiting for Lily to continue.

Lily knowing that she would be forced to talk allowed the smirk to return to her face. "Well he's a beautiful specimen… that and… I get to shag him."

Her friends laughed loudly at that.

"Why you saucy little minx," Emily said wagging a finger at Lily who responded by playfully snapping her teeth at the offending finger "how it is that you're the one with the pristine reputation, you're worse than any other girl I know!"

"Well," she started as if she were giving a lecture "it is a matter of two very important elements. One: pick a decent boy. Two; be capable of hexing said boy so hard, not only will he forget his name but he will also forget he was ever a man at all

Emily pretended to makes notes, "cut off his man hood you say?"

Lily nodded before the both broke out into laughter

I'm seriously so jealous," sighed Lucy so used to their antic she ignored them altogether "You have had some of the best looking boys in the school following you around like puppies. I mean there's your truly delicious boyfriend Jacob."

"Don't forget Louis Moresly damn that boy was fine… stupid, but fine," added Emily.

"He was so totally worth it," sighed Lily "He was thick as shit but …" she trailed off meaningfully waggling her eyebrows a little.

Emily snorted before she gave Lily a disapproving look "I still think you were cracked for turning down Potter, he fancied you so badly he almost resorted to begging."

"Please Potter doesn't beg. Furthermore he doesn't even qualify for Jacob and Louis category." grumbled Lily suddenly not in the joking mood, she was so sick of hearing about Potter. He finally had a girlfriend of his own, one that he seemed to really to like, meaning she finally had shot of him and suddenly it seemed he was all anyone could talk about around her, the conversation always seemed to come back to him, and she was sick of it.

Except what Lily failed to realise was that it wasn't that people did it on purpose, they weren't trying to punish her. It was more that he was that type of person whom people gravitated toward and therefore felt a natural compulsion to talk about.

"You're right, he's not in their category, he's in a league of his own. Him and Sirius," continued Emily breaking Lily from her thoughts.

"James Potter is so hot, I would literally melt if he so much as smiled at me, and he was totally obsessed with you. I wouldn't say no, that for sure," said Lucy as her eyes glazed over.

"Please I don't believe it for a second you are way too in love with Rick," laughed Lily.

"True," she sighed before adding naughtily, "but that doesn't mean I can't fantasize."

Lily rolled her eyes before getting up to leave.

"Hey wait, where are you going? We didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry we'll stop talking about Potter I promise, just sit back down and stop being an idiot."

Lily laughed "I'm not upset I've just got to go to this meeting with 'Potter the stud'."

"but I thought you didn't have to meet him for another half hour. In fact isn't that him stuffing his face," said Emily pointing down to the other end of the Griffindor table.

"Yeah, but I wanted to drop off my school books first. I'll talk to you guys later." said Lily waving as she walked away.

---


	2. Girlfriends

"What is it that she sees in him?" demanded James Potter so forcefully he caused the people sitting around him at the Griffindor table to start and Sirius to look up sharply confused by his best friends unexpected display of hostility.

"He's got the personality of a cornflake!" he continued in a semi rant as he watched the aforementioned cornflake leave the Great Hall with narrowed eyes.

Even James himself was a little unsure as to why he was so angry but he had just witnessed the disgustingly cutesy couple banter, of one, Lily Evans and her boyfriend, and quite honestly it was enough to make his dinner repeat on him.

"What does who see in who?" Remus asked absentmindedly while continuing to read his book seemingly totally unconcerned or totally unaware of his friends' mood.

"Evans. What does she see in Martin?" demanded James slamming the knife he had wrapped in a white knuckled fist on to the table hard enough to leave a dent

Remus looked up sharply at this, shocked by the question. Whilst Sirius stopped eating, his face full of food and his fork hanging suspended halfway between his mouth and his plate.

James never talked about Lily's love life.

_Never_.

In fact he rarely talked about Lily at all, unless it was in a professional capacity.

When James registered their stunned faces, he started to feel a little uncomfortable and so decided it was best to elaborate and continued, "I mean he's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, decent Quidditch player and all that, but he's just so _boring _I can't imagine how Evans even gets through their dates together without falling asleep."

"Boring huh? Well that makes him the total opposite of you, ergo Lily loves him," Sirius joked hesitantly around the mouth full of pudding he had.

After receiving a cold stare from James, Sirius swallowed and said defensively, "Well honestly, don't look at me like that! What do you even care Prongs mate? I though you were over it. It was years and many girlfriends ago. Not to mention you have Kimberly now." As he said this Sirius leaned back in his chair and started to blatantly check out James girlfriend, who happened to be leaning over to talk to a friend on the next table providing him with a spectacular view of her arse.

"Stop leering you horny little dog! Honestly, don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be staring at your best mate's girlfriend, no matter how hot she is?" said Remus who was also checking Kimberly out, although admittedly in a much more discrete way.

Kim had come as a total surprise to James' friends. They liked her well enough, she was good natured, cute, carefree, and seemed totally devoted to their best friend, she treated him the way he deserved to be treated but she was flighty and vapid and self-centered and the striking difference between Kim and Lily had been such a complete turn around for James that frankly it had been a little worrying.

However assuming that Kim was just a rebound, or a bit of fun, his friends had let his decision go unchecked deciding to let him make his own decisions, feeling that eventually he would come to his senses.

They had been completely wrong.

Initially, he had been hesitant, but after a few weeks James had thrown himself into his new relationship with surprising relish. Now they seemed so disgustingly happy, it was shocking.

"When you're quite finished discussing my girlfriend," muttered James slapping Sirius on the back of the head, to stop him from gawking. "I was going to say that I don't care who Lily dates anymore, but he's arrogant, bigheaded, and totally self centered, and what worse is I think he cheating on her, the fucking moron is going out with 'The Lily Evans' and its not enough for him!" said James a little of his anger returning before he managed to control himself and finish by saying, "he's all the things she ever accused me of being and I guess I'm just a little confused as to why she would chose to date him and not even consider me."

Remus and Sirius quickly looked at each other knowing this was dangerous territory.

"In all fairness you were a bit of a prick, back in the day," said Sirius carefully.

"Thanks a lot Padfoot, way to boost a guys confidence," said James sharply.

Sirius seemed to realise that that may have been one jibe too far for the day so he held up his hands trying to placate James before he got really angry.

Whilst James may have taken a huge leap today in broaching the subject of Lily it was obvious that she was still the one thing the Marauders weren't able to joke about.

Seeing their fear and interpreting it correctly James rolled his eyes and said "Don't worry I'm not going to maim you for reminding me of her total and very painful rejection of me. I've finally come to terms with it. I don't like her anymore, I promise. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that she really isn't right for me. She is way too much of a shrew for my tastes…"

"Who's a shrew?" giggled a voice from behind James.

"Hey Kim," Sirius and Remus sighed without even looking around, a little peeved she had interrupted a conversation that was so desperately needed.

"Evans," replied James surprising his friends by continuing the topic. "I was just wondering what she and Jacob Martin see in each other," he said, pulling Kim onto his lap.

"Oh well," Kim said breathily settling herself into a comfortable position, before running her fingers through James' untidy hair. "I think they are quite perfect for each other. He's gorgeous, and talented, and totally besotted with her. She's pretty, popular, clever and so into him that it's just adorable."

"Pretty is an understatement," mumbled Sirius to Remus trying to discretely have his own conversation, but not quite managing it, meaning James overheard.

"What have I said about your indoor voice Sirius?" sighed Remus.

James was just giving them both a filthy look. When suddenly Kim's continued rambling caught his attention.

"But you must know that because you did fancy her after all, didn't you James?"

This statement caused Remus to choke on the drink he had just taken a sip of.

Kim obviously didn't even have the slightest inkling as to how James used to feel about Lily. If she had she wouldn't have dared to bring her up. It was true that he had fancied her, but it was also a massive understatement. He hadn't just fancied her he had been, smitten, infatuated, head over tit in love with her, take your pick.

This conversation was turning out to be well beyond the realms of what was acceptable in Potter world. No one talked about James' crush on Lily; not even Remus and Sirius.

It was like watching an on coming car crash, but not being able to take your eyes away.

Remus vainly hoped that the worst was over, and that Kim would stop while she was ahead, but she wasn't finished.

"They are just the cutest couple. How can you think they're not, like, made for each other?" she asked, rolling her eyes and flipping her hair over her shoulder completely oblivious to the uproar she was creating.

James just stared at Kim as she continued to talk.

Kim seeming to misunderstand the reason for his stare said, "Don't worry baby I know you don't fancy her now, after all you've got me." She said tapping his nose with her index finger. "But you really shouldn't hate her so much; even I have to admit you should try to be a bit friendlier. You're Co-Heads now so you can't be at each others throats. I think you would get on well if you just tried," she concluded.

"Anyway I've got to go, Daisy is calling me. Bye James, I'll see you tomorrow yeah?"

"Yeah, bye," James said totally disconcerted.

Sirius watched her leave forlornly. Sometimes she just showed no tact or common sense. She had no idea what she had just done. She had just flitted away like a butterfly, totally unconcerned, leaving him and Remus to deal with the cleanup.

So watching James carefully they waited with bated breath for the explosion, but it never came.

"We do get on," James finally said after a minute of silence.

"I'm sorry?" questioned Remus hesitantly.

"Lily and I, we get on, don't we?" he questioned looking confused.

"Well yes and no," hazarded Remus slowly, broaching the forbidden subject for the first time in two years. "You look like you get on to outsiders, but to anyone who knows you it's obvious that your relationship is totally superficial."

"I talk to her, I know her, we spend 2 hours a night together for goodness sake!"

"True, but you only tolerate her. Kim's right maybe you should try a little harder. It's been two years and well, she pretty cool now, nothing like she was before, not quite so vicious. Maybe its time you let go of the grudge you've been holding," added Sirius timidly.

"I'm not holding a grudge!" said James hotly.

"Maybe not on purpose, but subconsciously I think you are," Remus said gently. "You have been cold to her ever since you finally gave up on her. We let it go at the time because we knew it was what you needed to get by, but perhaps now is the time to fully rebuild the proverbial bridge."

Remus and Sirius eyed James curiously waiting to see what he would do next, but he just looked thoughtful for a moment before he changed the subject.

---


	3. It Begins

The music was thumping, people were dancing, alcohol induced groping was occurring everywhere. It was defiantly a Marauder Party.

Unfortunately as the birthday boy, and just as a general consequence of being Sirius' friend, James had been pulled about and pushed to partake in _every_ festivity the party had to offer. So when he finally managed to escape Sirius' overenthusiastic clutches, James decided to hide himself away in a corner, and take a moment to catch his breath.

He was standing there leaning against the wall, his eyes leisurely scanning the party when his eyes landed on Lily, who was laughing at something her friend had said. She looked beautiful as always but less commonly she looked carefree, it suited her.

He felt a pang when he realised that she never looked that way when she was around him. He supposed it was to be expected thought because the only time he every really saw her, or interacted with her at all, was when they were at meetings or workings. So was it really a surprise he hardly ever saw her as anything else other than stressed. It was regrettable but such was life he thought morosely.

He continued to scrutinise her and when he looked to the drink in her hand he recognised it instantly as Firewhiskey. Well who would have guessed he thought cheerfully not many girls could handle Firewhiskey in the quantities she seemed to be drinking it in, not may blokes could either he thought fairly, how surprising.

Funnily enough though, she always seemed to be surprising him, for example he had been truly shocked when after working with her in the first few weeks of term, he discovered she really didn't want to be Head Girl. She hated the idea of that kind of responsibility and was resentful of the work it required. Then again, he thought he shouldn't really be surprised at all, she had always been very good at proving his assumptions wrong. It was a quality that had always captivated him: her ability to keep him guessing.

No one else had managed to hold his attention quite like her, Kim had lasted longer that the others but he still always seemed to be looking for something that he could never quite seem to find. Once upon a time he had thought he had found what he was looking for in her.

He had been wrong which was regrettable and a little painful at the time but now he decided it was finally time to forgive her for not returning his feeling and to forget the awkwardness of the past. So with Kim and his friend's words ringing in his ears he decided that in the spirit of the party he would to wander over to where she was standing so he could talk to her.

"How's it going Evans? Having a good time?" he said eyeing the Firewhisky in her hand.

She turned quickly, obviously surprised to see him, but smiled anyway, "A wonderful time actually. Happy birthday by the way."

"Thanks."

"Was it a surprise?" she asked after a small pause.

"Not really," he said quietly.

"Oh? What spoiled it?"

"Other than the fact that Sirius always does something like this…well you kind of gave it away."

"What? Me? How?" she asked shocked.

"Oh come on, I didn't believe for one second that you would let me skive off of Head duties unless there was something in it for you. I was seeing Firewhiskey in your future," he added in a misty voice.

She grinned at his impression before saying: "ah, of course. Well just don't tell Sirius, I was the one who spoiled the surprise, I dread to think what the punishment would be."

"I won't," he promised as he turned to watch the party again thinking that the interaction could have gone worse.

Buts as always she surprised him when she demanded "Alright Potter what's brought this on, you're being all nice and friendly towards me, and it's scary. I mean you just _voluntarily_ started a conversation with me about something other than work. Are you planning to prank me?" she said nervously checking over her shoulder fully expecting to see Sirius grinning maliciously.

Okay maybe his friend hadn't been too far off when they said he was cold to her. Maybe his behaviour hadn't gone unnoticed. She certainly seemed to be very aware of how he had felt.

"It's nothing," he said.

This answer was obviously not sufficient as far as she was concerned, but she was distracted from pursuing the issue when the noise level in the room suddenly rose causing them both to look across the room.

"Is that Remus?" asked Lily incredulously.

"Yep."

"That's totally disgusting," she stated blandly from beside him.

"Hmm… but funny," replied James continuing to stare straight ahead.

"He is _so_ going to regret it tomorrow."

"Yep."

"Aren't you going to stop him?"

"Nope."

She smiled at James mischievously before saying, "and as the birthday boy are you going to give us a show too?"

He laughed at her shocked by her innuendo, his smile lighting up his eyes. He was about to give her a cheeky answer when the noise in the room rose again.

"Oh… Oh! Not Sirius too! Does he have no shame?" she asked averting her eyes quickly while most of the girls in the room went wild.

"Nope."

She laughed before yelling out across the din, "put it away, no one wants to look at your hairy arse Black!"

Suddenly Emily brushed passed rather quickly trying to get a closer look saying, "now, now, Lils let's not be rash." causing Lily and James to dissolve into gales of laughter.

Being able to recognise James laughter form a mile away Sirius swung around looking for the familiar head of hair, so he could convince his mate to join the current festivity.

But seeing him with Lily brought him up short. His initial feeling of unease was quickly doused when he saw they were talking.

Taking a moment to process this change, Sirius felt happiness swell in his stomach. He had always liked Lily despite her feelings towards James and he was immeasurably glad that there might be hope yet. He figured they would never be great friends, but if there was less tension between them, then the world would definitely be better off.

With this joyous, and perhaps slightly alcohol fuelled feeling he pulled up his trousers and jumped down off the table he was standing on and strode over to them.

Giving them both another drink he put his arms around their shoulders before giving James a sly conniving look out of the corner of his eye,

James looked at Sirius suspiciously before saying defiantly: "No Sirius I have a girlfriend."

"Oh come on, its all in the name of fun James!" complained Sirius.

"What is?" asked Lily curiously.

"It's the best birthday tradition ever," whispered Sirius in a far away voice.

"No Sirius," repeated James.

"Oh live a little James, how bad can it be?" ask Lily inquisitively.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you sugar!" winked Sirius, before he took a lungful of air and bellowed. "Kiss the birthday boy!"

"Sirius no," whined James.

"Why did you have to encourage him?" he asked Lily mournfully, she on the other hand just watched, laughing as he was pulled away from her to be shoved in front of various girls throughout the room.

He seemed to be trying to fend Sirius off until he was put in front of Kim, and after an enthusiastic kiss from her, James seemed to realise he had permission and allowed himself to be shoved laughingly around the rest of the room.

--

Much later that evening James pulled Lily up on to the coffee table next to him and called for quite.

"By order of the Head Boy and Head Girl," said James pointing from himself to Lily. "I'm afraid my birthday party must come to an end."

This announcement was met with groans from the room at large.

"We know! We know!" said Lily, "but it's well past two o'clock and a Professor is sure to be coming in here soon. So to bed please."

With much complaining, mainly from Sirius, most people went up to bed. Lily's friends, Remus, and Kim offered to stay and help clean up, but Lily and James declined saying it wouldn't take long.

After everyone was gone, Lily flopped down on a secluded sofa and sighed tiredly before saying: "go to bed too Potter, nobody deserves clean up duty on their birthday."

He smiled at her, before he too collapsed on the sofa, "it's okay, I'd rather stay down here for a little while anyway. These parties tend to over excite Sirius and he needs to be calmed down a little before he'll sleep, otherwise he comes up with these crack pot schemes that he insist we all participate in. Considering all that I'm sure you understand why I think it's more restful down here."

She smiled at him and said: "well the least I can do is be the one to tidy up for you." He was just about to protest when Lily waved her wand in a sweeping arch.

He blinked then looked around the immaculate common room impressed. "Damn Evans, I could have used that spell a few times over the last few years. I can't believe I've been doing it the Muggle way!"

"Yes well, sometimes it does help to be brilliant at Charms," she said with a cocky smile pretending to flick lint off of her top. "Anything else you need, perhaps a Kiss for the birthday boy?" she joked with raised eyebrows.

James groaned "I know its ridiculous and degrading…I really hate Sirius sometimes" but he suddenly brightened "but why not it is my birthday." said James cheerfully puckering up his lips like a fish.

"Oh, you're incorrigible," Lily laughed, but as she said it she sat up on the couch meeting him in the middle. "Well happy birthday," she said with a smile before kissing him full on the mouth.

The kiss started out light just like all the others James had received, but when James tentatively raised his hand and slid it under her loose curls she moved automatically closer to him. When he felt her body press against his he instinctively deepened the kiss.

Suddenly the bang of a door sounded above them, the noise seemed to bring them both heavily back to the real world and they pulled back quickly.

Shakily she put her fingers to her lips staring at him wide eyed.

He stared at the fingers on her lips, his hand still resting on the back of her neck. They both hesitated a moment before they finally made eye contact.

They looked at each other in complete shock and bewilderment.

"What was that?" she asked him in a truly baffled voice.

"I…I don't know," he replied unsteadily.

"I can't believe it, what were we thinking," she said mostly to herself.

"We weren't," he offered.

"Oh shitting hell!" she said suddenly sounding almost hysterical. "I have a boyfriend!"

James groaned hearing that, "Kim."

"A wonderful boyfriend who loves me!" she said starting to hyperventilate "What were we thinking?" she repeated. "We can only barely tolerate each other. And we jeopardised our relationships for… for what?" she asked him desperately, "just a grope?!"

"Evans it's okay," said James seeming to find composure in order to deal with her distress.

"We didn't mean it. We've been drinking; No one has to know; no one would believe it! It was just a stupid mistake, we can keep it to our selves, it was just one kiss that got a little carried away."

"You're right," she mumbled. "You're right," she repeated sounding more certain "Okay- Okay… we just …never talk about this, we pretend it never happened," she said looking to him for confirmation.

He nodded his head vaguely.

Seeing this she got up to walk away, but before she got very far she seemed to realise something and turned back to him. "This isn't going to affect us, is it?" she asked with desperation in her eyes. "We've only just started to get along and I don't want to ruin…"

"Don't worry Evans I can handle it if you can," he said smiling reassuringly.

"Okay," she said starting to leave again, seemingly reassured, so her voice was strong when she said: "Goodnight Potter."

When she left, however, she gave him a lingering look over her shoulder. Meeting her gaze with his lips still tingling James had to wonder if it was really going to be as easy to forget as they thought it would be.

---


	4. Hangovers

What had he done?

When he woke up Sunday morning he couldn't identify the reason why his stomach was churning. His automatic reaction was to think he was just hungover.

Last night was a total blur; he had no idea why he even participated anymore. Sirius may love him like a brother, but when he organised a party it was always pretence, it was never because he wanted to do something nice for someone, it was actually always just an excuse for him to get drunk, make a fool out of himself, and get laid, no matter what the original cause.

Whatever the purpose was though, he felt like crap.

He stumbled into the bathroom and over to the sink for a glass of water, hoping it would calm his stomach a little and quench his desperate thirst. As he took large gulps he looked up into the mirror and inspected his dishevelled reflection. Bugger he was a mess, he was still in the clothes from the night before and half his hair was stuck to his head where it had been smashed into the pillow all night.

Managing to regain some control of his roiling stomach, James made eye contact with himself in the mirror. Suddenly vivid images of the night before began to flash through his mind.

_Alcohol, dancing, Sirius' arse, Kiss the birthday boy and…Lily_…he groaned feeling disgusted with himself.

What had he done?!

As soon as he started to think about it he began to feel ill again. _Guilt and a hangover don't go well_, he thought miserably.

It didn't help any when he realised he could still taste her, still feel her, and what was making him feel really guilty was that it had felt good, _really_ good. It was everything he had imagined Lily's kisses to be like and he had loved every second of it.

_This was bad._

How was he going to live with himself?

How could he face Kim? She loved him and he- he had…cheated on her!

He just couldn't understand why after all this time and all the effort it had taken to get over her; it had to happen with Lily _now_. It was typical, just as he was finally becoming happy; finally recovering from her crushing rejections she had to storm in and ruin his life. _Again_.

_No_ he thought savagely, _NO!_

This was _not_ going to ruin anything. He would just ignore it; after all it was only the remnants of his old feelings that had made the kiss seem so good. It had only felt so brilliant because of the way he had used to feel for her. It was just the understandable euphoria of finally getting an unrequited love to kiss back that was giving him the butterflies in his stomach.

It wouldn't destroy his relationship with Kim because Kim didn't _need_ to know, no one did.

He quickly decided that he wouldn't tell her, he was just going to have to live with his guilt. He would not burden Kim just to ease his conscience.

He loved Kim and what had happened with Lily was just a blip.

_Lily_.

"Shit," he said out loud.

"Whassamatter?" came a sleepy yet concerned voice.

"Nothing Pads," James replied quietly continuing to stare at his own reflection. "Just got one hell of a hangover, go back to sleep."

_Fuck_ he thought, was he just being naive in thinking that it was going to be that easy? That he could just decided not to tell anyone and everything would continue to be just dandy? That _thing_ was already turning out to have unforeseen repercussions. James couldn't remember the last time he had lied to Sirius. In fact he was pretty sure he had never lied to Sirius about anything.

What about Lily, would she tell anyone?

_Probably not_ he thought, but was it a risk he was willing to take?

_Huh, a hangover, what a joke. _

Whatever was going to happen he decided that he needed to talk to Lily about it like an adult. Like a _sober_ adult.

He'd do it tomorrow or as soon as the room stopped spinning, whichever came first.

--

_Poo_ she felt like poo.

"Bloody Firewhisky," she mumbled.

"What was that Lily dearest?" chortled Emily who was sitting cross legged in front of the mirror in their dormitory putting on makeup.

Lily rolled over and glared at her. "Bloody Firewhisky," she repeated loudly, before she winced at the sound of her own voice.

"Now, now," Emily admonished, "don't go blaming the drink, it didn't force itself down your throat…"

In response to that comment Lily gave Emily a very obscene hand gesture.

"Very lady like," sniggered Emily. "…I don't understand it thought, you can normally hold your drink quite well, and you looked fine when I left you last night. Did James force you to drink more instead of cleaning up." she joked.

James?

_James!_

Lily groaned loudly burying her head underneath her pillow.

"What?" asked Emily, this time sounding more sympathetic. When she received no response she walked over to Lily's bed. Taking pity on her she lifted the pillow off of Lily and said: "okay maybe we should get some breakfast in you… but I'm not letting you go anywhere until you run a brush through your hair," she quipped as she dragged Lily out of bed and into the bathroom.

"Now get dressed," she ordered as she left closing the bathroom door behind her.

Despite that command Lily remained in the middle of the bathroom staring fixedly at a point on the wall she was facing, just standing there, unmoving. She was totally disgusted at herself.

_JAMES!_

What had she been thinking? What was she going to do?

Well she was just going to have to avoid him, she thought frantically, but she stopped short when she realised she wasn't going to be able to avoid him.

They had to spend time together whether she liked it or not, they had Head duties to complete, and if she was _really_ honest with herself, she didn't want to avoid him, not when they had only just started to build a friendship.

Just as she was trying to formulate a new plan Emily banged on the door making her jump, "hurry up Lily, Lucy is already down there."

That snapped Lily out of her daze and so despite her horrified trance, she managed to get ready and somehow provide enough conversation to satisfy Emily almost the whole way to the Great Hall.

They had just reached the bottom of the marble staircase. The Great Hall was in view and Lily almost dared to hope she had escaped seeing _him_ for the time being, allowing her the reprieve she desperately wanted and the time she needed to think.

Luck was not with her though because just as the thought ran through her mind, she was stopped dead in her tracks, because James was calling out to her from the top of the staircase, "Evans! Wait up!"

"We need to talk about what happened," he said when he reached her.

"We do?" she asked slowly, as if she were trying to work out a complicate problem.

"Yes."

She looked frantically around her before noticing Emily was still watching interestedly, she hitched a smile onto her face and said as politely as possible considering her frayed nerves: "I'll be in, in a minute."

"Okay," Emily said slowly watching Lily with a mixture of humour and curiosity, before she slowly made her way into breakfast.

When she was gone Lily grabbed James' wrist and pulled him into an alcove. "I thought we agreed not to discuss it, to pretend it didn't happen," she said checking nervously around her again. "You know what this castle is like Potter!" she hissed, "every time we talk we run the risk of someone overhearing. It would be round the school faster than you could say 'cheat' and I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone finding out. I've got a boyfriend."

He just gave her a look: "don't be childish, we need to discuss this, I can't face Kim until I know what's going to happen. I've got a girlfriend too."

"It was just one bloody kiss is all this fuss really necessary?" she asked staring at him wide eyed almost as if she wanted _him_ to reassure _her. _

When he said nothing she continued exasperatedly, "Can't it just be what it was?"

"And what was it?" he goaded with a smirk, knowing that he shouldn't have asked, but was unable to stop himself.

Her eyes glazed for a moment and she licked her lips "… hot."

That wiped the smirk right off his face and caused his eyes to start to darken, noticing that she added hurriedly "…. and a mistake."

Her tongue had brought back vivid memories, he had been fascinated for a moment, but coming to himself he said: "Okay fine, I just needed to make sure. I was worried this morning because it just wasn't as easy to… forget as I was anticipating…. That was one hell of a kiss."

"I know. It was brilliant," she sighed, "…But we can't do this, we hate each other remember? You may be athletic and intelligent… and witty… and a brilliant…" she trailed off. "But- but it's _wrong_!" she said quickly, shaking her head a little.

"Very wrong," he agreed automatically. "And you're absolutely right. I hate you. I have for the past two years …and just because all of a sudden I cant stop imagining-"

James stopped mid-sentence feeling unsettled having suddenly noticed that not only had she not let go of his wrist, but that throughout their conversation they had been moving closer and closer together, in fact their proximity had moved way past what most people would consider appropriate.

"But it's irrelevant," he said strongly taking a step back as she released his wrist as if he had burnt her. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok, that we were ok, that you weren't going to say anything."

"We're fine," she assured him, slightly flustered by what had just happened, "and I'm certainly not going to jeopardise my relationship by telling anyone."

"Me neither." he said relieved.

AN:

If you don't know what to say in a review, or don't have anything to say at all, why not tell me what your favourite quote from this chap, or any previous chap was?

See if your answer matches my beta's.

On to the usual….

Thanks go to the overachieving beta cosmopolitan x

And to all the wonderful people who have reviewed:

lady knight keladry, kiki08, LilBlossom, BusStop412, brianna24,


	5. Lies and Revelations

Lily wandered into the Great hall ahead of James she spotted her friends in the middle of the Gryffindor table and headed over to them. 

"What was that?" Emily asked the moment Lily had taken her seat.

"What was what?" Lucy enquired only mildly interested, as Lily glared at Emily.

"Well, James Potter just asked to have a private word with our Lily." announced Emily boldly and gaining Lucy's full attention "It must have been important because he seemed to be on a mission, he didn't even acknowledge my presence… It was like I got sent back in time…"

"Sent back in time?" laughed Lucy, "what makes you say that?"

"Remember when he used to fancy Lily and he just seemed to forget about everyone and everything whenever she was in his vicinity."

Lucy giggled, "_Do I_? Who could forget? He actually trod on me once trying to get to her! The bloody git nearly broke my toe… hmm, but that hasn't been for years, I'd even go so far as to say his attitude towards her has been downright frosty since fifth year. What do you think brought the change on… you don't think he fancy's her again do you?"

Emily looked at Lily slyly, "I'm not sure, but it sure seemed that way."

"How odd… I thought he was really happy with Kim, and they make such a cute couple."

"I don't know she seems like a bit of a ditzy slag to me."

All through their conversation Lily just held her tongue and watched them, horrified but knowing that they were just trying to get a rise out of her, but she couldn't stand it anymore, "Shut up, the both of you, there's nothing to tell. There's no change in feelings, he still _loves _Kim, he just wanted a quick word, is that against the law now… are Co-Heads not _allowed_ to talk to each other? We've been getting on well recently… not too well of course just… you know… getting on as two friends should… get on."

"Um Lil, you're rambling, are you okay? Did James say something to upset you?" Lucy asked with seeming innocence.

"No, no, we're fine, just perfect."

"Perfect eh?" Lucy smirked.

"Stop it!" Lily said, running an aggravated hand through her hair, _she really didn't need this right now. _

"Fine," Emily said shoving food in front of Lily suspiciously but effectively ending the conversation, knowing they were about to push her too far, "but I still say something fishy is going on."

"There's nothing," Lily said in a curt voice whilst staring at the plate that had been put in front of her not feeling even remotely hungry anymore.

Emily and Lucy nodded their heads in acceptance and dropped the subject, before going back to their food grinning.

Nevertheless Lily's unusual behaviour didn't escape Emily's notice. Nor did it escape her notice that when James entered the room and kissed his girlfriend, Lily seemed to be forcing herself not to look.

--

It was with an uneasy stride that James entered the Great Hall for breakfast. He was in uproar on the inside, he thought sorting things with Lily would elevate some of the guilt he was feeling. He thought by talking to her he would have been able to put his feelings to rest; that they would disappear.

_He had thought wrong. _

When he saw Kim sitting with his friends he had a moment's hesitation, before shaking himself and walking up to her and kissing her passionately.

He pulled away when Sirius and Remus began making retching noises.

She giggled, "Goodness, good morning to you too. You alright?" she asked, smiling shyly at him.

"I am now," he said forcing a smile onto his face and slinging an arm around her petite shoulders.

As Kim continued her usual morning conversation, James zoned out a little bit, and scanned the table for Lily.

This wasn't going to be so bad. So what if he felt a little confused, things would be fine. Lily didn't want anyone to know anymore that he did. She could keep a secret. He would just have to avoid her when Kim was around for a little while, but he told himself sternly his avoiding her had _nothing_ to do with the way he felt about _her_, it was purely out of respect for Kim.

His plan, however, failed at the first hurdle when Sirius grabbed Lily as she walked past where they were sitting. "Sit down, Sweets," he said, obviously thinking it was okay for her to eat with them now that it seemed that James and Lily were friends.

James was shocked at the speed with which Sirius had accepted Lily. _Had he liked her all along? _The thought made him squirm a bit. Sirius had purposely not been openly friendly with Lily because James couldn't be around her, and in return for Sirius's loyalty James was keeping things from him.

He stared at her while she talked to Sirius, he watched the way her lips moved and the way she tucked her hair behind her ear nervously because she could feel his stare on her. He was replaying what had happened over and over in his mind in some weird mix of punishment and guilty pleasure, and he was pretty sure she knew it too if the blush rising in her cheeks was anything to go by.

This was insane, they had only just agreed to never talk or think about it again and yet it was the only thing on his mind.

"Sorry Sirius," she replied looking around the group her eyes landing on James, "I was just on my way out, but I'll talk to you later." Her eyes lingered on him a moment longer than they should have, just like after the party, but then she was gone.

He watched her all the way out of the hall completely oblivious to everyone else. Until he felt Sirius punch his upper arm, "Hey James, mate, are you even listening to me?"

When all James did was turn blank eyes on him Sirius asked: "What is the matter with you? You can't still be hungover."

He looked around to see everyone watching him worriedly and gave a forced chuckle, "It's nothing, I just remembered I don't have my Charms book, I best go get it." He lent across the small distance between himself and Kim to give her a kiss, "I'll see you in class, babe."

"Okay but-" Kim said but he was already gone.

Sirius looked to Remus and said in quietly confused voice: "But we don't have Charms today, its Sunday."

--

Lily had felt a sharp pang of jealousy, when she saw James swagger up to his girlfriend this morning, but luckily the shock of realizing she was jealous of Potters' girlfriend soon extinguished the anger she had been feeling. Which was definitely a good thing because she had been about to do something truly stupid like walk up to them and pull out all of Kim's hair.

What was wrong with her, she had her own boyfriend. One kiss from someone you can only just stand, shouldn't throw you're feelings into chaos like this she thought grumpily.

So she had decided she just needed to get out of there and as such had left her friends under the pretence of wanting to find Jacob.

She was walking down the corridor when she felt a tug on her arm and suddenly instead being alone with her thoughts she felt the press of hot, soft, delicious lips.

She responded immediately opening her mouth to him, her arms wrapping themselves around his neck and pulling him closer to her. He tasted so good she groaned mentally. She had almost forgotten how good it was. _Almost_.

When he pulled away she asked breathlessly: "Why did you do that? What are you doing?"

"It's been driving me crazy, I had to know. I lied earlier, I thought I could forget about it, but I haven't been able to think about anything else, and I wanted to do it again just once, to see if it was any different when we were sober. I had to know if anything had changed, if it was just the alcohol."

"Was it?"

"No," he groaned running his hand through his hair roughly. "You?"

"….No," she said deciding to be truthful, "but it's irrelevant," she whispered staring earnestly into his eyes. "So we have a little physical chemistry, is it really all that surprising? There's no doubt you're good looking and a brilliant kisser, but that's not enough. We don't even get on. I don't think either of us are stupid enough to throw away what we've got, for something that is most likely to turn out to be hormone induced."

That said she smile sadly and walked away.

_And he let her._

AN:

Ok there you go! I seem to be on a bit of a role this week, 2 updates! I think that deserves a review (nudge nudge wink wink)

Feel free to let me know you favourite quote of the chap. I really enjoyed reading your favourites from the last one.

Thank you to The Beta cosmopolitan, she's like a whippet returning the corrected chaps!

Thank you's go to the reviewers

Cymru01, BusStop412, lady knight keladry, kiki08, IWantToMarryJames, brianna24

x


	6. Meetings

"Sorry, sorry, I got caught talking to-" James started as he entered the prefect room before he stopped short at what he saw. 

"You haven't been waiting long, have you?" he started again as he examined the room amazed that every inch of desk space seemed to be covered in parchment.

"No, don't worry, I only got here about ten minutes ago," Lily said distractedly as she shuffled through some papers a little too frantically causing them to crumple up.

"Need help with finding… whatever it is you're looking for?" he offered.

When she didn't answer him, but dived under a desk instead he decided it was best if he just took a seat to wait, figuring if she needed his help she would ask for it.

That was until she gave a little scream of frustration and started pulling at her hair.

"What!?" he asked alarmed.

"I'm looking for the patrol sheet," she cried. "The Hufflepuff seventh years wanted to know if they could swap days with the Ravenclaw sixth years, and then the Slytherin's are refusing point blank to patrol with anyone at all… they can be so unreasonable…so you know what that means?…"

"More work for us?" he hazarded a guess.

"Exactly!" she said nodding her head frantically staring at him with wide anxious eyes.

He continued to watch her for a moment, as she started to search again. He'd never seen her this disorganised and he was shocked to see on closer inspection that she seemed a little frazzled. It was a little disconcerting to see her like this, she always seemed cool, calm, and in control. _Perfect_.

His eyes ran over her uniform and he was bowled over, her hair was mussed; her tie hung loose around her neck and her shirt was un-tucked, he'd never seen her in such disarray. Quite frankly she'd never looked hotter.

So resigning himself to helping he said: "Calm down. Don't worry we'll find the rota and it might be a little awkward to change the patrols, but we'll manage."

He got up and helped her look for a minute before asking carefully "Are you sure that's all that's bothering you because it just doesn't seem to justify this," he said, gesturing to the floor which was now also covered in parchment.

She stared at the mess unfocused for a moment before she gave a short laugh and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. It seemed to have the desired effect because she seemed to have calmed a little when she waved a dismissive hand and said: "It's nothing."

He carefully picked his way toward where she stood in the middle of the room. She watched him warily as he entered her personal space, but when he reached her he only passed her a piece of parchment. When she looked down at what he had given her, she realised it was exactly what she had been looking for causing her to smile at him in relief.

"Thanks," she sighed before collapsing into a chair and running a hand absently through her already mussed hair.

"Are you sure there's nothing else?" he mumbled.

She scrutinised him for a moment before saying: "It really is nothing. I'm just a little stressed because I've lost the transfiguration homework that's due tomorrow so now I'm going to have to do it again …and it took me bloody ages to complete the first time... then I had a fight with Jac-" she started to say before amending it quickly. "Then I had the Slytherin prefects corner me on the seventh floor to demand a change in schedule, and well… yeah. Everything just got on top of me for a moment…" she finished trailing off, suddenly realising he probably didn't care to know the ins and outs of her day.

"They did what?!" he asked, shocked to find out that the prefects were giving her trouble.

"Don't look so shocked all the Slytherins are totally convinced I'm beneath them, so they don't care about hassling me, but don't worry I'm not exactly a wilting flower," she said as a feral grin passed across her face.

"Oh Evans, they hassle you? Why didn't you say something? I know that things have been kind of awkward recently, and I know I'm not exactly your go to guy, and I definitely know you don't need protecting having been on the receiving end of your wrath many times… but I am Head Boy. If they want to hassle someone they can hassle me," he said seriously, genuinely concerned.

"It's obvious isn't it? They think I'm easier to… persuade," she said choosing her words carefully. "And well you _are_ James Potter, pure blooded, popular, Slytherin hexer extraordinaire."

"I'm sorry," he said meaning it and silently vowing to try much harder. She shouldn't have to suffer just because things had been awkward between them the last few weeks.

They had maintained their fragile friendship trying to build on what they had started, but they were still a little uncomfortable around each other especially when they were alone or when Kim or Jacob were there.

"Don't be," she said with total honesty, looking him directly in the eyes. It was the first prolonged eye contact they'd had since their kisses and it was bringing back unwanted feelings on both parts.

Lily noticing the change in both her and James quickly attempted to get back on to safe ground by saying uncertainly: "Um, I guess we should start our meeting."

That effectively broke the tension, "Um Evans don't you think we'd better sort this out first?" he asked, gesturing to the mess the room was in and trying to hold in a laugh.

"Hm, oh I guess your right," she chuckled.

--

An hour and a patrol sheet later Lily said: "Anyway what do you think James?"

"Yeah that's fine, I don't mind swapping, but do you think we could convince them to start the new rota next week because otherwise I'm going to have to reschedule Quidditch practice, which is a nightmare."

"Sure and even if they wont I'll cover for you," she said making him smile.

"Well that's it, thank goodness," she said starting to pack away. "On to re-writing my essay," she sighed looking up at the ceiling.

"Do you want my help with it?" he asked uncertainly. Normally he wouldn't have offered to help; he wouldn't have wanted to stay in the room alone with her for that long, but it had been weeks since their kisses and they had just managed to work alone together for an hour and nothing unusual had happened. It was time they tired to move past their discomfort, especially if they genuinely wanted to build a friendship with each other.

"What?" she asked clearly shocked by his offer.

"Do you want my help or not?" he said uncomfortably.

"Oh would you?" she asked hesitantly. At his affirmative nod she sighed: "oh thank you, I'm rubbish at Transfiguration," then seemingly unable to restrain herself she threw herself at him.

"That's okay… Honestly, it's not that big of a deal," he said uncomfortably, but tentatively returning her enthusiastic hug.

His offer had obviously shocked her and something Remus had said to him suddenly came to the forefront of his mind. So seeing as they were being civil and a lot less awkward than was usual recently, he figured now was as good a time as any to broach the subject of their friendship and just ask the question that he had been burning to ask despite the fact that considering recent events it was a tad inappropriate.

After a pause he asked curiously: "Do you think I'm cold towards you?"

She leaned back out of the hug a little so she could see his face raising her eyebrows at the random question and he realised he needed to explain so he continued: "It's just something Kim, Sirius and Remus were talking about a few weeks ago and considering we're trying to be friends I wanted to….They said I was kind of cold towards you-"

"Recent events excluded," she replied with a choked and disbelieving laugh.

"Of course!" he replied hastily, the sudden reference to their kisses making his stomach flip.

She averted her eyes for a moment before replying seriously: "No, not all the time, but sometimes when it's just the two of us… we never really talk… we never have _conversations,_ you know?" she said obviously straining to find the right words. "It's like you work hard to stay… detached from me."

"Our friendship is all superficial," she said clarifying and unknowingly repeating Remus.

Realising what she had said may have sounded rude she rushed on, "But don't worry, it's not your fault… or mine…there is just a little too much… anger and humiliation in our past for us to chat it up like a couple of little girls."

After a moment's hesitation she continued, frowning, "I was awful to you and I'm sorry for that, but at the time it seemed to be the only thing that deterred you."

He laughed, "Yeah I was persistent, but in my defence I was young and didn't know any better. You're right though our friendship is superficial," he said, before adding hesitantly "but do you think we could change that?"

She inspected him for a moment, trying to detect an ulterior motive, after seeing none she smiled, "You really want to try and be friends?"

"Yeah. Well, if that's okay with you," he answered uncertainly.

She came back in and gave him a reassuring hug. "It's more than okay," she said with a wide smile. "I've always wanted to know what it's like to actually be the great James Potter's friend."

That statement brought a moment of ringing silence, and they lingered just hugging. Both feeling a strange burning, tingling sensation where they were touching. Suddenly she whispered breathlessly: "you're off to a good start, you're definitely not cold anymore-" but he silenced her with a kiss.

--

_Well that hadn't gone quite to plan_, he thought as they made their way back to the common room in silence.

Just as they got back to the portrait hole James turned around to face Lily in an attempt to discuss the _thing _that seem to be happening between them, but came up short when he saw she was smiling brilliantly. At first he thought she was smiling at him, he even opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it rather swiftly. Lily was looking directly behind him.

"You waited up for hours, just to see me?"

James whipped around and promptly started scowling. Sitting there on the floor outside the common room with a book open in his lap and an essay out in front of him was the wanker Jacob. Lily's boyfriend.

"I wanted to say sorry about before…I'm sorry I snapped, I didn't mean to cause an argument… I know you're under a lot of stress and well I thought we could make it up to each other by having some private time," he said giving her what James considered to be a lecherous smile. Her eyes quickly flashed to James before she turned her full attention to Jacob smiling widely.

James watched as she approached the little git, who promptly swept her up into his arms and kissed her. Insane jealously rose up in his stomach, but he told himself that he was used to the feeling. He had spent years of his life jealous of Lily's boyfriends and one more wasn't going to kill him.

This thought and the idea of Kim was the only thing that prevented him from smacking the stupid bugger silly, which consequently meant that Lily did not smack _him_ silly.

Deciding he definitely did not want to wait around to see how affectionate they were going to be tonight, he climbed through the portrait hole rather swiftly in search of Kim.

As he went he mumbled goodnight to them both.

It went totally unheard.

---

AN:

Well there you go I hope it was satisfactory

Please continue to tell me your favourite quotes, it always makes me smile : )

Thank you to cosmopolitan beta extraordinaire

And a massive thank you to all those who review (and an extra thank you to all those who review regularly x)

lady knight keladry, Magical Moo, Cymru01, IWantToMarryJames, brianna24, SE007, KATExYOU


	7. Tension

"James did you hear me?" 

James turned to his girlfriend with glazed eyes.

"You have been way too distracted recently love, are you alright?" she asked, noticing his dazed state and bringing her hand up to gently caressing his cheek. Instead of feeling comforted by the gesture, however, it made him flinch.

Feeling her draw away stung by his reaction, he quickly looked up into her beautiful eyes to see them full of hurt and confusion. She had been looking like that a lot recently and he couldn't really blame her for it. He had been sharp, distant and basically just an awful boyfriend since _she_ had decided to wreck his life.

_What was the matter with him?_

Realising he had been subconsciously taking his anger out on Kim guilt consumed him again, as had been happening more and more regularly. Suddenly he couldn't bear to have her touch him, he felt dirty, but he wasn't entirely sure if it was because he felt unworthy of her or if it was because he didn't want anyone to touch him except-

"I'm fine," he said, stopping the thought before it surfaced and trying to placate her by gathering up all his strength and pulling a reassuring smile on his face. However judging from hers and Sirius' reactions, he was almost positive it looked more like a grimace.

She looked sceptical and Sirius who had been watching him like a hawk the last few weeks, having sensed that there was something going on, let his eyebrows rise into his hairline.

_Damn him_. Sirius knew him too well, and it didn't help that he felt like he had "I'm a cheat" tattooed across his forehead. Terrified of being discovered or worse being cornered by Sirius, as he knew he wouldn't be able to lie to him if he asked, James decided it was best if he made a quick escape.

So gently removing Kim from his lap he got up stretching and repeated: "I'm fine, I just think I need some fresh air. I'm starting to get a bit of a headache and we need supplies anyway so I'm going to go to Hogsmeade."

"Oh poor baby," Kim pouted caringly.

"_Yes poor baby_," Sirius imitated, batting his eyelashes, but stopped after he received a smack on the arm from a smiling Kim.

Ignoring the interaction altogether feeling all too uncomfortable, confused and claustrophobic to care he decided to leave the common room swiftly before anyone had the chance to offer to accompany him.

As soon as he had put enough distance between himself and the common room he started mumbling savagely: "Why yes Kim I'm just dandy, after all I'm only being eaten alive by my own conscience. Nothing to worry about… just that I finally got Lily Evans to kiss me, but she's pretending nothing happened and therefore I'm living in a horrible limbo where I don't know whether she's going to tell you or hate me or kiss me again. Worst of all I don't know which I would prefer, so considering all that I'm just _peachy_."

Frustrated with himself and his lack of control he shook himself for his idiocy and ran a hand roughly through his hair. Perhaps he hadn't been lying when he said he needed a walk, it would calm him; it might even help him get his thoughts in order.

--

On his way back to the common room his arms loaded with drinks and snacks he listed agitatedly_ Butterbeer, chocolate for Moony, Firewhiskey for Padfoot,_ _was he was forgetting something?_…. He paused mid stride and mid thought when heard two unmistakable voices, and he instinctually looked over his shoulder to see Lily with Jacob.

_Fanbloodytastic! _He thought staring so hard at them he was surprised they hadn't burst into flames.

Trying to calm his raging fury, he ran an objective eye over the couple to gauge their level of intimacy, but as he stared he was disturbingly uplifted to see that she didn't really even seem to notice Jacob or what he was doing, it was like she was in her own little world. She really didn't seem to see him or anyone for that matter.

_Interesting_ thought James with rising cheer, at least she was finding it as difficult as he was, she was just as preoccupied and it seemed to be affecting her relationship just as much as his.

Then he saw Jacob use one hand to grasp hers while the other stroked up her back before he pulling her into what looked like a passionate kiss.

_Why was he touching her!?_ James thought irrationally as he dropped his arm load. _WHY was she allowing him to!?_

In some distant part of his brain he realised he was being unreasonable, that they were a couple and so of course they held hands, talked and kissed, but the rest of his brain was seeing red. As James continued to watch jealousy seemed to consume his body.

--

She walked along the corridor her hand in Jacob's as he talked to her about… well she wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about, but she thought it might have been about his homework.

Having not been paying much attention she only dimly noticed him trying to get her attention, but her awareness came back full force when he pulled her into a sweet kiss.

_Nothing like Potters, but good in its own way_, she thought causing her to mind to balk, why was she thinking about Potter?

Before she could comprehend the significance of her thoughts she pulled out of the kiss only to see that James had stepped out in front of them causing Lily's eyes to widen significantly.

Her eyes darted between the two of them frantically. Jacob merely looked politely confused, while James looked downright murderous.

Breaking the silence James tersely said: "Sorry, but I need to borrow Evans."

"Okay," Jacob said with a visible frown forming on his forehead. "But shouldn't you be at the party? You did just win a Quidditch match," he smiled, "congratulations by the way."

"This is more important," he said, sharply tuning his heated gaze on Lily.

"I think you should calm down whatever it is, it's not going to help if you scream at Lily-"

"I need to talk to Evans," James said his anger rising.

She looked to James, surprised at his tone and inspected him warily, but ultimately she said: "okay, well I'll see you later Jacob," before kissing him on the mouth. When he seemed hesitant she said: "It's alright," before surveying James and adding: "I can take him."

"Well Okay then…but come and see me later, okay?" he asked eyeing the two of them worriedly, having noticed the sudden tension.

James's hand made a sudden movement as if he was going to pull them apart, but he managed to control it.

"Okay," she replied smiling at his protectiveness.

Then she turned to follow James, but he had already gone charging off. When she finally managed to catch up with him, he spun, grasped her wrist tightly and asked in a tight voice: "What was that about? How can you bounce between us like that? _My_ insides are rotting with guilt and you merely look a little put out? How is it that you can be so unfeeling? I never thought you would be capable-"

"What was that all about?" She said repeating his own question back at him instead of answering. "You can't just pull me away whenever you please; I'm not yours to command."

"You didn't seem to mind last week." he snapped causing her to flush.

"That was a mistake."

"A mistake?" he laughed mirthlessly, "no shit… Fuck! Don't you understand I was happy?" he shouted. "I had finally given up and I was okay with the fact we would never be, but you just had to swoop in and bollocks it up."

"I haven't bollocks anything up, there's no decision to make here, no dilemma because there is no way I would choose you over him. This experience with you has only confirmed that you are exactly what I've always considered you to be: mean and spiteful, whatever you want you take even if it's not yours to have," she said meaningfully. "I'm not yours, I'm his. And even if that wasn't the case, I despise cheaters and you are a cheater."

"So are you," he said viciously making her feel sick with the realisation, that sentence was like a slap in the face, _he was right_, in this she was just as culpable as him, she had complied willingly.

"Yeah," he said interpreting her facial expression. "You're not so self righteous now are you, how does it feel to be down here with the common folk? It's funny you accusing me because I'm a lot of things Evans, but I'm not a cheater. Or at least I wasn't until this happened with you, maybe it's you who is the _nasty heartless_ delinquent."

"Oh yeah? Well you didn't seem to mind too much either," she said throwing his word back in his face "especially when you had your tongue down my throat," she shouted stung.

"Ah yes, but evidently when it comes to you I have no restraint, what's your excuse?" he leered spitefully.

Despite the unreasonable amounts of anger and jealousy coursing through his body, heat was filling his stomach at her close proximity and his eyes blatantly travelled down her body causing him to say: "I really hate you, but it seems I have to have you."

This comment coupled with the way he was looking at her caused an array of improper images to go racing across Lily's mind making her skin to colour prettily.

He soon averted his eyes, knowing if his train of thought continued not only would he not be able to stay mad at her, but it could only end in bad things. For example: pushing her into the nearest classroom and touching every bit of her he could reach irrespective of whether or not someone was already in there.

She was breathing heavily obviously trying to calm herself down and to stop herself from letting him wind her up, her eyes had darkened, she was flushed, and she had to admit to herself that she was turned on no matter how perverse the idea.

"Look we can't talk about this here you idiot," she said finally voicing some sense.

He watched her chest as she breathed laboriously fixated for a moment before brusquely saying: "prefects' room."

"Fine," she replied.

They walked in silence to the prefect room knowing no one would be in there at all today.

---

AN:

Quick update, no?

Ok, I know it was a bit of a filler but I thought it was kind of necessary. Hope you agree.

Not to ruin the surprise but the next chapter is going to be worthy of the M rating the story has, so if you're not of age or despise that sort of thing, don't read the next one!

Thank you to cosmopolitan (The Beta)

Thank you to all those who reviewed:

KATExYOU, lady knight keladry, HarryPotterFreak4Lyf, IWantToMarryJames, kiki08, Cymru01, SE007


	8. Passion

A/N: Well bugger me I updated! Sorry it's been so long, but Uni is hectic, sometimes I feel like I barely have time to breathe!

I hope it was worth the wait.

As mentioned at the end of that last chapter this is definitely M rated, so if you're not supposed to be reading this…. Don't!

---

She had barely closed the door behind her when she was shoved violently back against it as James forced his tongue inside her mouth. It shocked her, but she responded with a ferocity that matched his, desperately wanting his mouth and hands on her. She loved every moment of it, taking a perverse pleasure in the fact that he seemed to need her so much.

They hadn't so much as been in the same room for days so she hadn't had too much trouble acting normally around her friends and Jacob, but that didn't mean she had been able to forget him and the way his kisses made her feel. In fact the passion she felt exuding from him when he touched her had resulted in her being able to think of noting else, but what it had felt like to be with him.

She had heard through the rumour mill that he was good at this sort of thing. How could he not be? Why else would so many girls follow him? How else would he manage to crush girls' hearts and still have them pine after him? But regardless of all that she had truly underestimated how good he could make a person feel. Even she, the one who proclaimed to be immune to his charm, was relishing in the way he made her feel.

He pulled away from her with darkened eyes. "I hate him touching you," he said, anger still lacing his voice, "and I'm sorry about this, but I've got to be the last one to touch you." he continued as he roughly started to unbutton the shirt she was wearing.

Normally possessiveness such as this angered her, well it had angered her when past when boyfriends had done it, but when he did it, it only made her stomach flutter and an intense feeling of desire race through her.

"James," she tried weakly her heart rate increase rapidly. "We've got to stop this! It's awful of us to do this… we've got to stop, it's only physical-- think about it, we were just arguing with each other."

"I know," he grunted, "but as I've said before, I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to you." Then, ignoring the rest of her feeble protests, he became impatient with her shirt and just ripped the last few stubborn buttons off, exposing a fair amount of milky skin and an enticing view of the white lace bra she was wearing.

He paused a moment in his rough exploration to groan at the sight. He reached out and in complete contrast to a moment before he gently placed his hands on her collar bone, slipped his fingers underneath the material of her shirt and slowly started to push the fabric off of her shoulders. He watched the movement of the garment as it slid down her arms, off her body, and on to the floor.

Then before she knew what was happening he was kissing her like he couldn't breathe without her and she gave in willingly, his desperation to have her finally seeming to rubbing off on her.

She realised with a tingle of worry and shock, that despite her earlier protests, she really did want this, but the nervousness was quickly squashed with passion and the insane need to have his skin on hers. So she began to take off his shirt with just the same amount of impatience and fervour as he had had when taking off hers. When his bear chest was revealed she groaned a little to herself, he was magnificent and so toned it made her want to drool.

He momentarily dropped his arms from where they had been tightly wrapped around her, to allow his shirt to drop to the floor, but instead of going straight back to her lips, like she had expected and wanted, he slowly dragged his finger tips down the length of her arms. He gently grasped her wrists, raising them above her head and pinning them to the door he had pushed her against. He stood back and he held her in place with one hand while the other ran down the length of her body gently brushing her almost totally exposed breasts and finally coming to rest cupping her arse.

Then suddenly he pulled her hips roughly into his, the abrupt skin to skin contact and the feel of his erection pressed against her stomach caused shock waves to run through both of them. He let his other hand join the first so that both of them were cupping her arse, then with a move that to an outside observer would have seemed choreographed he lifted her as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

This was not a new move for either of them, each having experienced it with other people, but this unexpected and delicious action coming from Lily Evans was the sexiest thing James had ever experienced a girl do. It seemed to cause something to snap inside him, so much so it seemed as if she had completely broken his control.

Demonstrating strength she didn't know he had, and causing her to feel more than a little turned on. He managed to adjust her so he was only holding her up with one arm before shoving her bra up just enough to uncover her breasts. He leant forward and roughly pulled one of her exposed nipples into his mouth, and suckled roughly at the tight peek for a moment, feeling like he needed to leave his mark on her; to own her in some way, his actions causing her to whimper.

Hearing the noise he suddenly spun them around and away from the door that they had been pushed against, and sat her on top of a nearby desk.

He took a moment to step back and admire her in her dishevelled state. He had never seen anything quite as sexy as her sitting there with mussed hair, red- almost bruised lips, her soft flat stomach and pert breast exposed, her skirt up around her thighs revealing a tantalizing view of her knickers. His eyes ran over her hungrily drinking in the sight.

Noticing the look in his eyes and taking pleasure in it she reached out and grabbed the waist band of his trousers and pulled him back to her.

He grunted as their bodies made contact in all the right places, abstractly noticing how perfectly they measured up to each other, but the thought quickly flew out of his mind and became unimportant as she roughly pushed her hot and plaint mouth against his reminding him there were more pressing matters to concentrate on.

He ran his hand down the outside of her soft smooth leg until he reached her knee, before his hand changed directions and he ran it up the inside of her thigh and under skirt, she inhaled shocked yet disturbingly pleased by his bold move.

She lost all ability to feel anything, but gratification when he pushed the crotch of her already soaking knickers aside and slowly pushed two fingers inside her tight vagina. She made a strangled noise at the intrusion a mixture of shock and pleasure. His thumb gently passed over her clitoris making her muscles tense momentarily. He repeated the action a few times as his lips went to her neck nipping at the skin there. Her eyes soon fluttered close as she basked in the way he was making her feel.

When he withdrew his fingers her eyes snapped open again and she was about to protests, but stop short as she became enthralled by his actions, she watched him as he slide his fingers into his mouth sucking them clean of her moisture. White hot heat shot through her as he closed his eyes savouring her taste.

His eyes flickered open and looked directly into her own and she found she could only watch him transfixed, as he bent down in front of her and shoved her skirt up over her hips.

He took a deep breath relishing the scent of her, wanting to devour her. He showed a moment of tenderness as he kissed her hip reverently, before he roughly pulled her knickers off and discarded them with out a second thought, she was a little miffed as she distinctly hear the sound of tearing fabric but other that that there was barely a second for her to realize what he had done, for her to feel the cool air kiss her hot flesh before his mouth was on her. He started slowly laving at her, and at first she loved it, but soon it wasn't enough-- she wanted and needed him to go faster, he was torturing her, and she had a sneaking suspicion he knew it and was doing it on purpose.

When she finally started to wriggle a little, desperate to get the friction her body needed he seemed to decide he had frustrated her enough and quickly picked up his pace. He spread her folds and shoved his tongue inside her hot centre. She cried out starting to get close, sensing this he moved his mouth back to her clitoris where he started to suck at her, and after a moment he used his fingers to enter her. Her muscles started to tense rhythmically before he felt her entire body tense and squeeze around fingers as she screamed out her climax.

As she was coming down from her orgasm he held his breath a moment unable to comprehend what had happened; unable to believe she had actually allowed him to touch her like that. Taking advantage of her momentary lapse he stood back up and kissed her allowing her to taste herself on his lips.

He knew they shouldn't have gone that far, but he couldn't help himself she was intoxicating, and he was addicted. He couldn't get enough and he didn't think he ever would. He assumed that his desperation stemmed from the fact he couldn't believe she was allowing him to touch her at all. He kept expecting her to push him away, call him a wanker, and never talk to him again and that thought left him feeling terrified. That would mean having to go back to the way it was outside this room, where these glorious moments where she finally conceded to kiss him back didn't exist, where they both pretended the other wasn't important

Apparently knowing what he was thinking and inexplicably fearing the same thing she pulled him so close to her he was certain she wouldn't be able to breath before pushing her tongue into his mouth, trying to reach every crevice.

He pulled away after a moment starting to nuzzle her neck saying: "It makes me feel sick seeing him with you knowing that you want me too, it makes me sick what we've done and then going back to Kim-- knowing that the taste of you is still on my lips."

That seemed to bring her out of her passion filled haze and she pushed him away, Lily's eyes met his with the stark realisation that things between them were progressing at a frightening rate. …this wasn't just kissing anymore.

Instead of voicing her thoughts she forced a totally unconcerned look onto her face, "Well that's not really my problem is it Potter. Just physical, remember? This has meant nothing to me and therefore has made no impact on my relationship with my boyfriend."

He had been smiling, but it froze when he realised what she had said.

He gave her a hurt and furious look. "Go back to your boyfriend Evans," he commanded, roughly grabbing his shirt, throwing hers back at her and left, slamming the door behind him as he went.

As he left to find his friends and Kim he started to feel sick… _he could still smell her on him_.

---

AN:

Thankyou to the Beta, especially seeing as she pointed out how long it had been since I last updated.

I'm sorry again about the wait but I'm afraid I have to warn you, it may happen again. I love writing my stories but I really just don't have the time at the moment.

But before you begin to hate me, I would just like to say I will try to update regularly.

Thank you to all those who reviewed;

HarryPotterFreak4Lyf, Lady Knight Keladry, IWantToMarryJames, brianna24, KATExYOU, kiki08, SE007, thestralwhisperer, SE007


	9. Battle

"Potter" she called. 

James turned automatically at the sound of his name, but on registering who it was he quickly spun around again and continued down the hallway trying to ignore her completely. He really didn't want to get into it with her right now. It had been weeks since 'the incident,' but he was still so angry that he was likely to make a scene and expose them, which was the last thing either of them wanted.

"Potter, stop!" she called as he picked up his pace.

"For fuck's sake," he heard her mumble and he had to fight a smile.

"James," she persisted, hoping the use of his Christian name would get some reaction. "Look I'm sorry, alright? Don't be juvenile, you have to at least listen to me, this is getting ridiculous!"

Realising she wasn't going to leave him alone, and silently agreeing that the situation was becoming absurd, he decided she was right and that it was better to just get this confrontation over with. So he finally gave in and turned around, fixing his face into a look of complete indifference as he watched her hurry towards him.

When she finally caught up to him she jumped straight in before he decided to march off again, "I'm sorry, what I said was totally uncalled for, and unnecessarily cruel. It's just that things between us had gone so far, and we both seemed to be getting way too attached, and the only way I could see that would put an end to it before we both regretted it was to be harsh." she said quietly so as not be overheard before continuing in her normal voice, "I still want to try and be friends, these last few weeks have been awful with you avoiding me like the plague, and the tension is making it impossible to work together. Can't we just put all of this behind us?"

In reply he said scathingly "I'm not sure I want a friendship with you, I'm not even sure you know the meaning of the word." But he sighed and added, "You're right though it's becoming impossible to even be in the same room together, let alone fulfil our duties. So … _fine_, I agree to be civil."

When she started to smile at him he quickly added, "But I think it would be better if we stopped trying to be friends and continued to keep a distance between us. With us there never has been and never will be a middle ground, it's always one extreme or another." He looked earnestly into her face trying to get his point across and said: "We will never manage to have a normal platonic relationship, no matter how much we want it."

"Oh okay, I gue- guess you're right." She said quietly as she shifted her gaze so that she was staring intently at the floor.

He watched her and for a brief moment he had an all consuming and irrational need to make her smile again, but instead of acting on his impulses he said, "Have a nice time in Hogsmead… Evans." Before he turned and walked away towards the spot where his friends and Kim were standing, watching them with poorly concealed interest.

"I'll see you at five in the Three Broomsticks so we can escort the last students back," she called after him weakly.

Hearing the mild distress in her voice, but forcing himself not to care he just continued to walk away from her grunting in response.

--

At ten past five James absentmindedly checked the clock. Okay it was official, she was late.

He glared down into his half full mug, annoyed that she had the nerve to leave him waiting especially after all the times she had admonished him for his lack of punctuality.

"Prongs… James… Jamesie… Jim-Jam… Jamesie-poo… Potter!… Pot-Pot?…" tried an increasingly annoyed Sirius before he finally lost the plot and cried out frustrated. "Argh, what is going on with you? You have been distant and brooding for weeks!"

Instead of answering the question James posed his own, "Have you ever liked someone so much that it's like your skin is on fire just when their in the room and all you ever want to do is kiss them, and talk to them and just be near them, no matter what they have done or what they say?"

Sirius sat there with his mouth open for a moment before saying in an awed voice "Man, you've got it _bad_."

"Have you told Kim yet?" enquired Remus politely with a small smile.

"Told Kim what?" James asked sharply.

"That you… love her?" said Sirius slowly. "Who else would we be talking about?" he asked slightly surprised at James response.

James surprised his friend even further when he started to laugh in fact he laughed so hysterically that some third years on the table next to theirs in the Three Broomsticks got up from their seats and moved away in fear. Under normal circumstances anything that caused a Marauder to laugh like that did not bode well for the rest of the population especially those in the close vicinity.

"In love with…. Whatever gave you that insane idea?"

"Well you just said …. And well she is your girlfriend… at least I thought she was… and you told me you'd already… what were we supposed to think?" demanded a confused Sirius.

That stopped James's laughter cold, "I was talking hypothetically," he said quickly. "I wasn't talking about _Kim_," James said quietly.

"_Okay_" said Sirius looking at James suspiciously before turning to look at Remus with raised eyebrows. Remus just shrugged deciding to leave it alone. Sirius, however, couldn't he knew James better that anyone and he knew he was hiding something, but as he took in the picture of James staring intently at his drink he could not for the life of him figure out what it was. If he didn't know any better he could have sworn…

_BANG! _

"What was that?" asked Sirius alarmed as he spilled Butterbeer down his front completely forgetting about his previous train of thought.

When he received no answer he looked up from trying to dab at the wet patch on his shirt to see James and Remus staring out the window of the pub.

"Is that a fire?!" He asked frantically.

But whatever James and Remus were going to say was cut short when the screaming started.

They stood up as one, "Fuck!"

"We've got to get back to the castle!" squeaked Peter.

"NO!" commanded James, "we have to help… what about all the younger students? I'm Head Boy I can't just leave!"

_Head Boy._

His heart stopped and he went cold

Where was Lily?

"LILY!"

"Did he say Lily?" questioned a stunned Sirius.

"Erm… I think so?" replied Remus sounding as though he didn't quite believe his own answer.

Before Sirius had any real time to contemplate this James had started running pell mell out of the pub.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other in shock before swiftly following him out with Peter lagging behind.

They watched completely confused as he ran down the street knocking people out of the way not even noticing when he passed Kim. They only had a moment to consider this before they saw a spell fire near some trapped forth years and ran to help.

--

The street was full of smoke, spell fire and Death Eaters. Many of the villagers and some of the braver and more talented older students were retuning fire. He could not see Lily or anyone else in the crowd, and he felt an iron band of pressure settle around his heart.

The crowd parted for a moment and James was just in time to see Lily by herself as she spun and shot an extremely powerful spell at a robed figure. He was momentarily shocked at the skill she was displaying, but he didn't have much time to appreciate her talent because just as she took down one, another two came up behind her ready to attack. No matter who she was, or how powerful, she would never be able to see them and protect herself in time, and so he shot the strongest spell he could aiming directly at one of the approaching Death Eaters.

But it wasn't enough because there was no way he could take them both down. The second Death Eater managed to hit her from behind, directly between her shoulder blades. She wavered on her feet, but amazingly she still managed to stay up right and erect a shield charm. It might have been enough, but unfortunately a third Death Eater had seen the fight and clearly outraged that a student was besting his comrades decided to involve himself. The Death Eater raised his wand ready to give the final blow.

"_No!"_ was the only conscious thought James had before he started running towards her again his protective instincts kicking. When he was close enough James dove towards her knocking her to the floor, he needn't have bothered as she went down like a dead weight.

He had no idea what kind of damage the original spell might have done, but at least he had prevented further damage.

He felt a spell rush past his ear and saw a flash of green as the spell dissipated harmlessly into the ground. Shock and an intense feeling a sickness ran through his body… was that the…

Regaining his senses and a large, irrational, all consuming amount of anger he rolled off of her and shot a stunning spell so fast his hand looked like a blur, he momentarily saw the end of an unfamiliar wand pointing at his face before the spell hit its target and the imposing figure flew back a few feet with the force of the spell before falling to the ground with a thump.

Suddenly the sound of the Aurors arriving and Death Eaters leaving filled his ears and the tightness in his chest loosened, he stared unblinkingly at the clear blue sky before he took a deep steadying breath and sat up quickly turning towards Lily. He was just in time to see Jacob helping her up, seeing she was alright enough to stand, relief swept through him swiftly followed by jealousy.

--

"Lily are you ok?!" Jacob shouted, staring into her face. "Lily can you hear me? I don't know what you were thinking doing that, trying to protect those third years, you could have gotten hurt!"

"What am I saying you did get hurt look at you, you're bleeding!" he said as he reached out to touch the area where blood appeared to be spreading rapidly from somewhere on her back, but she flinched away. She didn't want anyone to touch her.

"I'm going to go find someone to look at you Lils," he said compassionately, "you need seeing to." with that he turned and hurried away.

Her eyes stared vacantly, until she felt the gentlest of touches on her arm she went to pull it out of that persons grasp, but when she saw it was James her eyes started to fill with tears.

He was inspecting every inch of her checking her for injuries, when he saw the blood he looked to her for permission, having received it in the form of a brief consenting nod, he didn't even hesitate before delicately pulling up her shirt enough to expose the wound pulling out his wand and healing it.

_He really was talented_, she thought distractedly.

His inspection finished his tortured eyes finally met her tear filled ones. As soon as he saw them he pulled her to him roughly securing his arms around her so tightly that normally she would have complained about lack of breath. Instead she wrapped her own delicate arms around his waist as a sob was wrenched from her throat

"I just couldn't stand by and do nothing… I just couldn't …oh Merlin! It was so stupid of me… I almost died… _you_ almost died!" she choked out as her legs gave way, her body finally giving into the shock.

"It's okay," he whispered over and over again as he sank to the floor still embracing her. "You're alright, I'm alright. It was the right thing to do."

"I'm sorry about everything," she said as she continued to cry. "So, so, sorry I didn't mean it-"

"I know me too," he said in a choked voice.

"You were brilliant," he whispered into her hair, holding her as tight as he could, scared that if he let her go he would lose her.

Suddenly James felt himself being roughly pulled away. "I've got it Potter," Jacob said savagely.

James was about to step up to hit him, but unexpectedly he felt a restraining hand on his shoulder, when he turned to see who had interfered, he saw Sirius's accusing, yet worried face. Thinking he had been discovered and expecting to be shouted at, and punched even, he was surprised when Sirius hugged him roughly and said in a shaky voice: "Thank Merlin you're alright."

A few seconds later he pulled away to frown momentarily and then incline his head a little.

Looking in the direction of his nod James saw Remus comforting Kim.

James hesitated as he looked back to Lily only to see she was now being led away by Jacob and Emily. The decision made for him he turned and went to Kim.

--

A/N:

There you go to make up for the distinct lack of updates recently I humbly presented you with two lol.

My beta warned me that ppl might not like me too much if I waited to long to update after this one. So I will try my best to be swift. But as I have already warned my time is a bit strained at the mo. So if it takes a little while please forgive me, I'm hopeing to have it done if not by next weekend the weekend after.

Don't forget I always love to hear your favourite quotes to see if they match the Betas

Thank you to the beta cosmopolitan and to all those who reviewed

Justplainstupid, WhiteCamellia, Lady Knight Keladry, kiki08, Cymru01, Mrs.YoungRoseRamone, brianna24, IWantToMarryJames, KATExYOU


	10. Fights

"I can't believe that fucking idiot," Jacob raged as he dragged Lily behind him like a rag doll, his grip rather too hard about her wrist.

Emily, getting fed up with Jacob's complete disregard as to how he was pulling Lily about, finally intervened and grabbed Lily's other hand, stopping the group completely. She squeezed Lily's hand lightly in what she hope was a reassuring manner, staring concernedly at the side of her head for a moment. Before she turned angry eyes on Jacob and hissed, "Shut up, Lily may be hurt and in shock, but she certainly isn't deaf! She does not need to be talked about like a child who can't tie her own shoe laces… especially after what she just did, you insensitive fucking twat!"

Lily had taken down at least five Death Eaters in Hogsmeade toady, before even one of them managed to catch her with a spell. Emily didn't care who you were, that was impressive, and it deserved Jacobs respect and so for that matter did James Potter. Emily was livid that Jacob was bad mouthing someone who had most likely saved Lily's life. As far as Emily was concerned James Potter was the most brilliant person in the world right now and she for one would not allow Jacob to continue to belittle and insult him.

"I will not shut up," he angrily snapped at her. "I've read about that spell he used to heal her back and that charm is very complicated, if administered improperly it can have disastrous effect. He's lucky he didn't cause more damage just like he normally does. He's impulsive and rash and that makes him dangerous."

"Yes well if that's true then I say thank goodness he's dangerous, rash and impulsive," she said forcefully. "Because it did work, he didn't just read about it in a book like you did, but he put his knowledge to good use, and I don't even want to think about what might have happened if he hadn't. Anyway it's a bit rich you criticising him for helping, at least he did something instead of standing there like a frightened first year," she hissed heatedly back.

His face had been getting progressively redder with every word she had spoken before his patience finally snapped and he shouted "Piss off and go back to your house Emily; I'm her boyfriend, not you and definitely not hero Potter, she needs me right now and I think I can manage to get her to the hospital wing unaided, so just back off."

"Oh yeah she needs you," Emily said sarcastically "you've been so kind and considerate dragging her around like a puppy on a leash. Oh and her dire need for you was evident earlier when she just fell into you arms, you totally managed to comfort her, James had absolutely nothing to do with it at all! and while we're on the subject of your complete and utter ineptitude, let me just say that I know she needed medical attention but leaving her alone and bleeding like that was not exactly the bravest most sensible and caring thing I've ever see a boyfriend do. So how bout you take a good look at your actions before you start criticising everyone else, you dickhead!"

His face went red and he opened his mouth furiously, but Emily, after giving Lily a fleeting look, worried because she had remained so silent, sighed resignedly. "But fine I'll go. I'll come back as soon as I can," she added kindly to Lily, "I'm just going to go make sure Lucy is alright, ok?" At that Lily briefly looked up and nodded her assent.

Before leaving though Emily swung around again staring at Jacob with fire in her eyes "but don't for one moment think it's because I give a rats arse about what you want," she said pointing her finger forcefully into his face. "I'm leaving because Lily doesn't need to hear us bickering right now."

Emily had walked all of five steps when she heard Lily's hesitant and chocked voice "Coul-could," she started before swallowing forcefully and starting again "Could you check on James as well?" she whispered so quietly Emily could barely hear her.

"Of course," Emily consented straight away, knowing how difficult it was for Lily to admit that she cared about James welfare, especially after hearing her boyfriends unflattering opinions, but it was only sensible really, she wanted to hug and thank the boy herself so was not surprised that Lily also felt the need. Jacob, however, did not seem to understand judging by the way his face had lost all its previous colour at Lily's request

"But Lily…" he trailed off confused, "you can't stand Potter."

"Don't be stupid, just because they bicker a lot doesn't mean she wants to see him hurt." Emily cut in witheringly before Lily had a chance to even open her mouth. Turning her back on him rudely and completely dismissing his presence she said cheekily to Lily, "I'll check him over my self," earning her a light smack on the arm and a small smile before she walked off to find her quarry.

--

"Well Miss Evans you appear to have been very lucky. Who ever healed that gash on your back took a great risk, but fortunately for you, they did a mighty fine job, I couldn't have done better myself. That was a nasty wound and you could have lost a lot of blood between here and Hogsmeade. I shudder to think what… but never mind."

"I want you to lie there for a while though," she continued as she gently pushed Lily down on one of the beds. "I'm going to get you a potion to help lessen the pain from those bruises, I'm afraid you're going to feel rather stiff over the next few days, but you should feel back to normal in no time," She smiled warmly before bustling off.

"Bloody Potter," Jacob grumbled

"Jacob," Lily mumbled warningly "don't."

"No Lily! I know he helped, but really it was just plain luck that he didn't bollocks it up like he does everything else. How is it that Potter even has a remote knowledge of healing charms anyway?! They aren't covered on the syllabus, and I've never seen him do _any_ work let alone extra work! Can you imagine what would have happened if the imbecile had got that charm wrong?" as he said that he grabbed her hand and held it tightly, giving her what he thought was a worried look, but to her it just looked a little pathetic.

"He's not stupid, he's the best in our class, he out ranks you if I recall correctly," she answered quietly feeling a need to defend James, before continuing. "He knew the risks and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that if he had any reservation about his ability to do it he would never have used it on me."

Jacob ignored her and went on, "And who did he think he was, hugging you like that, he's so inconsiderate, you didn't even want me touching you, what made him think he could force himself on you like that, he didn't even think about how delicate you were."

"Delicate? I am not delicate," she said offended

"Of course not, but you know what I mean," he waved her off pompously

"No, I'm afraid I don't, why don't you explain it to me," Lily said in a dangerous tone that seem to totally escape Jacob's notice.

"You were weak," he said in a patronising tone. "You had just attempted to best a Death Eater who ended up injuring you, and that buffoon added to your injuries by knocking you clean over, speaking of which what was he thinking, he's twice your size-"

"Firstly yes I was injured, but I still managed to hold my ground even after I was hit, and I didn't just attempt to best a Death Eater, I did best one, and finally if that _buffoon_ hadn't have knocked me down I would be dead. And I think you have a nerve to call me delicate when I wasn't the one cowering with the third years behind that _rubbish bin_!"

Jacob finally seemed to have cottoned on to Lily's rising temper, "Now see here Lily, I'm only trying to look out for you, we have to stop a repeat of this happening, you're a lady not an Auror."

"What if I want to be an Auror?" she asked fiercely, "and even if I didn't, you think I should have just run back to the castle like a coward?

When he didn't answer her eyes widened before she laughed incredulously, "Oh shit you did think that, didn't you? You were about to do it you self, you would have left those children defenceless to save your own arse."

"No, of course not," he said defensively. "But I'm not stupid, I know when the odds are against me and given that the choice self preservation is the natural instinct. It's only idiot Gryffindors who tend not to think about the consequences."

"I'm a Gryffindor, and if that means that you don't run away when people need you, if that means that you are selfless and courageous, like James was today, then I'm damn proud to be one – I could never have lived with myself if I had left all those other people to fend for themselves knowing I could have helped."

"Oh yes he was marvellous! He was so brave," Jacob muttered bitterly, "but let's not be naive here Lily, sometime we must make these decisions…. and anyone who sees James Potter as a role model, should be committed to the St. Mungo's mental ward," he laughed coldly

"Fuck off Jacob," she snapped. "He saved me… I would have _died_ were it not for him, did you see the spell that Death Eater sent after me…" she trailed off getting choked up, Jacob reached out for her hand, but she pulled it away quickly before continuing in a fierce voice, "if James hadn't have pushed me out of the way I would be dead right now… so _stop_! He saved me and I think that means something and if you can't see that then I think you should leave."

"Now Lily you're being irrational, its been a rough day, so let's not fight about this and say things we don't mean, it's petty."

"Petty? PETTY!"

"Now Lily," he said forcefully, "you're becoming hysterical."

She stared at him blankly for a second: "Get out Jacob, and… and don't come back."

-----

A/N

I hope you liked the chapter especially seeing as I should be revising not writing FF

Thanks to the Beta and thank you to all those who reviewed

kiki08

Cymru01

WhiteCamellia

KATExYOU

sheila1990

Lady Knight Keladry

justplainstupid

Froody

brianna24

Chrissiness

gwvixen21

T-H-E OANA


	11. Between Friends

"What the fuck was that" asked a wavering voice from the doorway as two people entered the darkened room.

"Sirius, Remus" sighed James without even moving his head, "now is not really the time."

"Tough fucking shit!" snarled Sirius before demanding "James what's going on?"

When he received no response, Sirius's barely controlled anger flared causing him to slam the dorm room door so hard that a book fell off a nearby desk. James however didn't even seem to notice, didn't even seem to flinch.

Angered further by the lack of response Sirius strode over to where James was spread across his bed and stood imposingly over him, glaring, "Answer. Me," he ordered him sharply.

"I don't know what you mean" James answered in a monotone voice.

"Bull shit," Sirius said slowly, contemptuously raising an eyebrow. "You know exactly what I mean!" he continued frustrated, "remember who you're talking to James, remember that you have never been good at hiding things from me and visa versa."

"I'm not hiding anything. Where is this coming from?" James hedged

"Oh for the love of … do you really think I haven't noticed! You have been acting weird for weeks…but today took it to a whole new level; I mean for fucks sake _what_ was that today?! I've never seen you do anything so stupid and with so little thought to the consequences, and that's saying something."

James gave him a hateful look before he noticed the underlying current of worry anxiety and a fear in Sirius's eyes, and he deflated

Seeing James back down Sirius took a deep breath and said quietly: "James you have always told me everything. I haven't said anything before now because I figured you would come to me when you were ready, but …"

James stared at his shoes knowing he was being completely serious and knowing that by not talking he was hurting Sirius but he just couldn't bring himself to say it. If he talked about it, it would become real and then he really would have to deal with the mess he was in.

Sirius who had always been able to read James like no one else seem to realise this was something that James didn't want to share, not even with him, and it shocked him to the core. After a moment though he sighed "I know that if you feel like you can't tell me it must be important." he said trying to mask the hurt and confusion he felt at James not trusting him.

"Sirius," James pleaded quietly begging him not to push, to understand that that wasn't an attack on him or a reflection on the strength of their friendship.

"No, it's ok." Sirius said in a gruff voice turning to leave

Throughout the conversation Remus had stood against the back wall; just staring, at the events unfolding before him, in complete bewilderment. He had always been very close to James and Sirius, but he knew his relationship with them didn't even compare to the bond between the two of them. James and Sirius were closer that brothers and neither one had ever lied to or avoided the other, even when they were angry.

James was keeping something from Sirius and Sirius was walking away form James. It was so wrong, they had been one unit since … _forever_.

Remus looked to where James now sat on his bed looking as if the world was falling apart and it probably was as far as James was concerned. Remus knew James had always been brave and loyal and that he seem to be able to face anything, but he had always had Sirius to back him up.

"Padfoot," called Remus, causing Sirius to freeze just as his hand reached for the door handle.

Remus followed his friends foot steps and when he reached him, he grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him back around to look towards the thoroughly miserable form of James, "Don't walk way, no matter how little he wants to tell you and no matter how shitty he gets, right now he's miserable and you know him better than anyone." Remus lowered his voice so even Sirius had to strain to hear, "You owe him Sirius"

After an agonisingly long moment Sirius nodded, not really needing to be convinced just needing a little push in the right direction. He took a hesitant step back towards James and as he did so Remus excused himself from the room

"You know?" Sirius finally said, "if I didn't know better I would swear this was about-"

"Just leave it alright" James said cutting him off and getting more agitated. "I really don't feel like getting lectured!"

"I'm not going to lecture you!" said an offended Sirius "and I will _not_ leave it! How could I? Bloody hell James what was that today, I mean do you have some kind of death wish or are you just plain stupid. You just dove in front of her, I didn't even see you hesitate, I…"

"You would have done the same thing. You would have tired to help anyone and just like me. The fact that it was her makes absolutely no difference!"

"The fuck it doesn't," Sirius answered disbelievingly. "I just can't believe you did that… but you're right I wouldn't…_couldn't_ have left her to fend for herself, but I don't think anyone but you would have thrown themselves in the way like that as if… as if they were some kind of test dummy."

In response James just rolled his eyes dismissively

"You do realize you nearly died trying to save her, don't you?" Sirius said slowly in order to give his words the impact he thought they deserved.

"Shut up and leave it alone, you're just being melodramatic," James responded.

"No I'm not and you know it," he replied softly. "… are you lying to me or to yourself James?"

"Just spit out whatever you want to say," James said, turning his face away from the boy who was staring intently at him, uncomfortable because he knew Sirius could read him like a book.

"You're still in love with her," Sirius said in hushed and uneasy voice.

That announcement was met with silence, which told Sirius all he needed to know. "Bugger," Sirius sighed, head in his hands as he sat down slowly on the side of his own bed so he was facing James.

"What?" James asked sharply.

"I was just really, _really_ hoping I was wrong."

"Wrong about what? I'm not in love with her, how could I be we barely get along" he scoffed half heartedly.

Sirius let out a choked laugh, "you can't fool me I've known something was up for months but I just could put my finger on it… So what? Are we going to revert back to the old ways, with you moping and obsessive without a chance… did you forget that she despises you?"

"She doesn't despise me," he defended quietly.

"Oh I'm sorry did I miss something did she miraculously change her… _Oh_ for love of Merlin something happened didn't it?"

One look at James face and Sirius knew.

"How could I have not have noticed?" said Sirius frowning at himself in self reproach before his frown deepened and he continued in a slightly more hurt and accusing voice. "How could you have not told me?"

"I'm sorry I lied to you," James said softly, "but I didn't know what else to do"

The minutes ticked by in silence with Sirius assessing the situation, when suddenly he jumped up and stormed over to his friend and hit him. _Hard_.

"Hey, what the bugger are you doing?" he cried indignantly.

Sirius ignored the reprimand: "James you selfish wanker!—Oh this makes so much sense now" he continued throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. "I've been watching you fall apart but I couldn't figure out why…. James you have to give this up she's got a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend. We may say, be and do a lot of things, but..."

Comprehension dawned upon him and James face took on a guilty look.

"What about Kim have you even thought about her?" demanded Sirius

"Of course I have!" James defended, "but she's not Lily and no amount of wishing and trying is going to change that. I need Lily in my life and if I had to choose it would _always_ be her, I can't make myself leave her, I just haven't got it in me!"

"Stop blaming her when it's you," said Sirius sharply

"Fuck off Sirius, you have no idea …."

"Explain it to me then."

After a moment of glaring James began: "We've been meeting secretly, I've been sneaking around jeopardising everything just so I can spend time with her and you know what's frightening… just that little bit of time she spends with me, the thought that she wants to be with me and that she would jeopardise her own relationship in return because she can't stay away from me either…wow… yeah, it's enough to keep my feelings for her alive and so strong now that no matter how hard I try to ignore them I can't."

When Sirius's eyebrows rose sceptically James continued earnestly, "I'm not _trying_ to make my life complicated, but … I can't turn her down. Honestly, I _want_ to give it up, what I'm doing makes me feel like dirt and I think it's not worth it, but when I've tried to walk away, I find I can't live without her… I'm in too deep, all I can see is her, I can't help myself…The funny thing is," he continued as he gave a humourless laugh, "is that I really thought I didn't care any more, but one lingering look from her and my hope sprang back to life… the minute she touched me I was right back where I started," he shrugged loosing steam finishing lamely, "what can say …she's… Evans…"

"Yes, and believe it or not I understand, but she's got a boyfriend, and you have to accept that, you have to accept that you can't have her, that you have no right to do this… you're better than this. You've got to leave her alone, it's how it's got to be and you know it." stated Sirius quietly but firmly

"Yes, logically I know that," said James before he carried on insistently, desperate for Sirius to understand. "But I feel it Padfoot, when she's with me I have all of her and she wants me just as much as I want her… but you're right she has a boyfriend and she goes back to him every time and I'm… they are fucking everywhere and I'm going insane having to watch them," he said grabbing his hair. "A few weeks ago I saw them and the way he held her it drove me crazy, I spent the rest of the day wishing it was me!"

"I know it's my fault, and I can't believe I got myself into this position, and believe me I've come so close, so many times, to saying something… to causing a commotion and telling the whole world about it, about us, but I stop myself because I know that if I do I run the run the risk of losing her and that's far worse than having to deal with all this"

Sirius was gob smacked and felt like he was reeling, "how much could you possible love her?" he tried weakly.

Sirius knew the answer, but was still shocked when James said out loud and with total seriousness: "Is there limit?"

Sirius bobbed his head in response, "I know mate," Sirius said sadly. "I know how you used to feel about her, I know that you think that Remus and I didn't really know, but we did so this doesn't really surprise me… my only advice is: before you make a decision, think twice."

James grabbed at his hair processing the advice before he said in a strained voice, "Why do I feel this way Sirius, why can't I just let it be?"

"I don't know mate I really don't know"

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry again that I lied to you."

"That's alright… James mate," he laughed lightly. "I'm the least of you worries"

A/N

Sorry there was a bit of a wait I hope it was worth it.

I'm afraid I cannot promise to post again until after Xmas, so just in case I don't I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you to cosmopolitan the beta and to all those who reviewed, please keep it up x

T-H-E OANA, Cymru01, WhiteCamellia, kiki08, justplainstupid, LadyKnightSusan, chuttie, microtig, wicca-girl14, KATExYOU, Twinker, Lady Knight Keladry, sheila1990, Chelle-Lynn, brianna24, IzaBella Pheonix, Froody


	12. An New Ally

"Bloody wanker—stupid arrogant—not good enough, twat! How dare he send me away like some dog, I'm her best friend!—just jealous." Emily mumbled to herself so outraged by Jacob that she found she was unable to form coherent sentences.

She had always thought Jacob was decent enough, perhaps a little conceited and full of himself, but he had always been rather charming and had never treated Lily badly. Yet it was his propensity to treat her as nothing more than a possession that had always irked Emily and now she was down right furious with his lack of ability to appreciate what he had. Lily deserved better!

His lack of respect and caring had forced her into such a towering rage that when she finally reached her destination, the portrait hole, she opened it so forcefully it slammed against the wall, but before the Fat Lady even had time to open her mouth to reprimand the girl she had already entered the common room. Her eyes scanned the room finding no shock of messy dark hair she continued to the boys staircase undeterred.

She vaguely noticed Remus coming to intercept her just as she put her foot on the bottom step. He grabbed her arm and said quietly "where do you think you're going?"

She turned to look at him then looked poignantly down at the place on her arm where he held her indicating he should let go.

In response he merely raised his eyebrows at her before saying calmly, "putting aside the fact that you're not supposed to enter the boys' dorm-"

"Please!" she scoffed "like you give a rat's about the rules"

"Putting aside the fact you're not allowed up there," he continued as if she had not spoken, "James and Sirius are talking and I really don't think you should disturb them."

"How touching," she said sarcastically, "but I really don't care if they are up there having a slumber party, teddy bear's and all, I need to talk to him and I'm going up there."

She turned to start walking again only to feel herself being tugged back she looked down again to find Remus still wasn't letting go. So she said as sweetly as she could "fine" before she stomped on his foot so hard he let out a very unmanly squeal, he doubled over staring at his foot, she didn't even spare him a second glance before she turned and started marching up the stairs

Just as she reached the Marauders dorm room door Remus reached the top of the stairs and mumbled "Merlin you're vicious, and here I thought only Lily had the violent streak."

She ignored him she reached out her hand for the door knob but stopped short when she heard the conversation coming from inside the room.

Emily turned her incredulous face to look at Remus to see that he had stopped trying to get her to not listen and go back downstairs and was looking just as shocked as she felt. Without saying a word they both came to the same decision and leant forward listening intently.

--

"You!" shouted Emily pointing at James as she burst into the room Remus following quickly behind her and closing the door behind him before casting a secrecy spell so no one would overhear.

James and Sirius heads whipped round so fast you could hear the necks click.

_Fuck_, James thought frantically how much had she heard, but before he could panic any further though she had started talking.

"Are you in full working order?"

James who was terrified was thrown by the question; it had not been what he was expecting so a little baffled he eventually said hesitantly "umm, I think so."

"Prove it!" demanded Emily

"Prove-? Umm… I'm sorry what?"

"Demonstrate you are in full working order."

Sirius who had been watching this weirdly half formed conversation choked back a laugh at the absurdity of it all. Man this girl was a nut. He liked nuts.

"Okay," said James slowly as he stood up from his bed before bending his knees so was crouched down and then moved his arms about wildly, looking to all the world as if he were a starfish trying to unfurl itself. He did this demented version of a squat come star jump until Emily finally said: "okay you can stop now."

"May I ask why you made my esteemed friend here look like an idiot? Was it purely for pleasure or was there a reason?" asked a smirking Sirius.

"Lily asked me to make sure he was okay," Emily answered as if that explained everything.

"And you couldn't have just asked him?"

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes. "When do men ever admit to being hurt? Besides, where the fun in just asking him when you can get him to do ridiculous things like that?" she bantered.

Sirius stared at her a moment before he let out a short, rather unflattering, snort and said "fair enough," as if he heard such reasoning all the time and had become thoroughly used to it.

"So now that I have fulfilled Lily's request that I make sure you are alright-"

"Lily?" James was suddenly on full alert "is she alright?" he demanded in a tone of voice not even Dumbledore would ignore.

"Well she was walking and talking when I left her, but that fucking twat-cunt face sent me away before we reached the hospital wing! So I have no idea what the nurse's opinion on her health is."

"Fucking twat-cunt face?" inquired a deeply amused Sirius

"Jacob" hissed Emily her eyes practically igniting.

"Oh" was the only thing Sirius could think to say in response before getting into Emily's rhythm and asking "what did that toss-pot, dick head, streak of piss do to cause such an adverse reaction in his girlfriend's best friend. It's not normally a smart move to piss of the best friend" said Sirius wisely.

"Hmm; no, no it's not." said Emily with a smile at his profanity and a feral look in her eye.

"What? I thought we were allowed to play the worst name for bad boyfriends game" said Sirius when he received a disapproving look from Remus for his language. "She started it," he pouted petulantly when Remus smacked him upside his head.

"So what did he do then?" asked Remus as if nothing had happened

"Oh nothing just told me to piss off back to my common room, said he could look after Lily all on his own. Huh," she laughed "as if! He doesn't mind defending her against me, her best friend, but he didn't seem too protective when she was being attacked!" She stopped mid rant as if she had just remembered the reason for her visit. She spun around on the spot.

"YOU!" she pointed at James making him feel terrified again.

"What now?" he moaned fearfully

"You, James Potter, I could kiss you!" she said

Before she reached her destination thought Sirius's grinning head popped up in her line of vision. "Sorry sweetheart, no kissing "The Potter," he has enough girl problems as it is, but I would be more than happy to oblige you" he said winking.

She raised an eyebrow and let her eyes slowly run over Sirius form, just as Sirius was a starting to feel uncomfortable her eyes met his and she said "in your dreams man whore," before knocking him out of the way and flinging herself at James hugging him so tightly he started to go blue.

"Thank you so much," she whispered to him, her voice trembling a little "you saved her from the killing curse."

With those whispered words the light joking atmosphere that had come to the room ended and everything went quiet and still.

James patted her back awkwardly before saying quietly "it was nothing"

"It wasn't nothing" she said pulling back. "It was everything, not many people would have done that."

"Exactly what I said," came Sirius's uncharacteristically sombre voice

"I would do it again."

With those words she hugged him tightly before releasing him completely and stared at him searchingly "so you and Lily, eh? Well I can't say I'm not a little hurt she didn't tell me, but I guess I understand."

James paled a few shades. _Shit_ just as he was starting to calm down and think that Emily had not overheard their conversation she proved him wrong. _Bollocks_.

She surprised him, however, by saying "So what are you going to do about it?"

"Do about it?" James questioned in a strangled voice.

"Yes, do about it. Are you deaf as well as an idiot?"

"Well I'm not going to do anything about it, she made it perfectly clear last time we were together that she had a boyfriend and what was between us was just physical. Not to mention I have a girlfriend of my own."

"Phff," Emily waved her hand, "nothing we can't fix."

"What if I don't want you to fix it?" James asked, staring at the floor.

Emily looked at him sharply before saying: "oh but you do and there's no point trying to deny it. After all isn't that what got you into this mess in the first place? But have no fear you have help now" she said looking at Sirius who was staring back at her breast before adding exasperatedly "sort of."

--

Update yay!

Ok the next chap is L/J(at last) well it might be L/J, it all depends on the reviews (YES, that is a bribe to get you to REVIEW)

Hope you liked this chap, it was not planned and I literally wrote it in a few hours, but I thought it was necessary.

Anyway,

thank you to cosmopolitan and thank you to all those who reviewed;

Fairie Daggers, KATExYOU, kiki08, WhiteCamellia, LadyKnightSusan, IzaBella Pheonix, thestralwhisperer, zuska1985, Lady Knight Keladry, sheila1990

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, or any other appropriate seasonal greeting x


	13. Ironic

**A/N**

I'm so sorry, don't hate me.

This is not the L/J chap I said it was going to be. I'm so sorry for the empty promise, but this came to me and well… its much better here than anywhere else in the story

The next one WILL be L/J but I spent the time I had free writing this chap instead of the L/J one, and I feel I have to warn you: I have my compulsory exams in Feb (solicitors exams) and will probably not have time to write much for the next month or so. This does not mean I won't try, I just can't promise

Please I beg of you: don't lynch me or worse stop reviewing: I repeat please continue to review despite my evil deceitful ways (lol)

HAVE MERCY

Lalas x

---

Under Emily's instruction James found himself, reluctantly, wandering towards the hospital wing. Emily had informed him that under normal circumstances she would have gone herself, but in this case had decided it was better he go for two reasons. Firstly, because it would give him a chance to be alone with Lily and, secondly, because Emily felt that if she saw Jacob she was likely to smash his face in, which as she explained to an eager Sirius would not be conductive to making Lily feel better even if it made the rest of them feel ecstatic.

And so here he was, but he was not as convinced as Emily that this was the best course of action, nevertheless he was desperate to see for himself that she was okay, and so he went despite his reservations.

It had given him a moment of hope to think that she had cared enough to ask about him, and that hope got a little stronger when he thought about what she had said to him as he had held her in Hogsmeade, even if they were shock induced ramblings she had still said she was sorry, that she hadn't meant the things she had said to him in the prefects' room. He was also finding it hard to ignore the fact she had allowed him to comfort her and to point his wand at her, that took trust. Trust that he never thought he would ever gain.

Thinking of these things his stride became a little more assured and he picked up his pace. But it slowed again as he was walking past a closet that Pringle liked to keep broken furniture in.

He had heard a noise that distinctly sounded like very enthusiastic snogging. He smirked to himself, it was a bit of a risk in this part of the castle, whoever was in there was either very stupid or just couldn't wait any longer.

He dismissed the idea of interrupting at first, but when the noises got a little louder he sighed resignedly, no matter what his own personal problems he was still Head Boy and therefore could not ignore the indiscretion. He was never too hard on 'fraternizing' student anyway, after all who was he to stand in the way of love. In fact, he was probably doing them a favour by interrupting, it was much better he barge in on them rather than a patroling teacher that was passing by and heard them, they would be in a world of trouble then.

He knocked lightly but it went ignored, he knocked louder and gave them a warning that he was about to open the door, when he received no answer he screwed his eyes up as tight as he could so as to be able to close them quickly if whatever the couple was doing was too private, and would scar him for life.

He pulled open the door a crack. Honestly, he thought amusedly, what kind of inept fool didn't seal the door but as he looked into the dusty room his eyes widened and he pulled his head away quickly totally gobsmacked by what he had just seen. But as his senses returned and his brain started to function again his face went from the pale white it had turned to red, but not from embarrassment from an all encompassing anger.

"You stupid fucking bastard I'm going to fucking kill you!" he bellowed, throwing open the door and totally forgetting he was a wizard as he lunged at the darkened figures, he landed a punch so hard into the side of the guys face that his head whipped to the side.

"James," he heard a female voice scream. "Stop it you're going to hurt him!" But when he failed to listen to her he felt her grabbing at his arms desperately trying to pull him off.

"Fuck off you dirty cheating slag," he said whipping his arm out of her grip as if she might contaminate him. "Do you really think I give a flying fuck what you have to say? I thought you might have been unfaithful, but this… I…I just can't believe you."

"James I'm so sorry."

He laughed coldly, "you really think I care about you? You could sleep with all of Hogwarts for all I care."

Her stare turned icy, "then what's the big deal?"

"You," he said, becoming irate again and pointing an accusing finger at the figure cowering in the corner. "You—you how could you cheat on Lily?"

"What?" Jacob asked, confusion momentarily over taking his fear. "_Lily_? You're not mad about me getting it off with Kim, you're angry about _Lily_?"

"Yes, Lily—how could you cheat on her? She deserves better."

"What—why would you care?" asked a bemused Jacob. "And quite honestly why would she care anymore, after all the stupid cow already broke-" he started to say before he found himself being punched again.

"Don't ever let me hear you calling Lily names" James shouted breathlessly as he threw yet another punch

"Get off me you fucking idiot!" Jacob shouted, finally throwing a punch of his own and catching James in the eye, but James didn't seem to notice, he just continued to punch every part of Jacob he could reach.

Finally, with the additional effort of Kim, Jacob managed to pull James off.

"What is your bloody problem?" Jacob asked after taking a few gulping breaths and wiping blood off his now split lip.

James watched his actions in satisfaction before saying, incredulously, "my problem? You mean other than the fact that you were groping my girlfriend in a storage closet?" James spat the word "girlfriend" like it was toxic. "Fuck me, isn't that enough?"

"Oh please James, don't pretend to be all defensive and protective of me now, you're just using it as an excuse to be angry at him for cheating on Lily. You have been distant and rude and a right little shit for over month now! I may be an airhead at times, but even I noticed you pulling away. I'm not stupid and I promised myself when I agreed to date you that I wouldn't let myself become just another one of those girls who never saw it coming. Did you honestly think I was just going to wait around for you to dump me?"

"No, I expected you to at least break up with me if you felt this way and certainly before you moved on to someone else!"

"This only just happened," she said quickly and defensively. "He was upset about what happened between him and Lily and I was angry at you for going straight past me and diving in to rescue Lily"

"What?" James said choking on his own spit, his anger deflating.

"Yeah I saw that," she said in a deadpanned voice.

"Oh" he said giving her a remorseful look "I'm sorry"

"Sorry because you didn't see me or sorry because you did see me but choose to defend someone else anyway?"

He flinched, her words cutting into him like a dull knife

"Both- neither- I don't know." he sighed "I'm just sorry."

Taking a deep shaky breath she continued "But you're right, I should have told you long before how I was feeling, and I definitely wish you hadn't seen this." she said gesturing to Jacob "But I refuse to let you make me out to be the only guilty party, you haven't been faithful either."

He opened his mouth but she continued "no, don't try and make excuses, and please don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, you'll only make this harder, do us both a favour and be honest. Think about it James, even if nothing has actually happened between you and Lily, you can't really call yourself my boyfriend when your totally in love with some one else." She finished despondently

Then regaining some spirit she pointed a finger at him threateningly "And don't you dare be angry at me for this because it would make you a hypocrite; you've still been seeing me despite your crushing desire to be with the perfect Lily Evans."

"This isn't her fault, don't bring Lily into this," James said quietly.

"Why not," Kim said in a strangled voice "she seems to affect everything else, even when she not bloody around?"

"Don't" James said staring at the floor feeling ashamed

"Why the hell not, its true, and it needs to be said because no one else seems to have enough sense to tell you!" she said hitting him on the arm, a little too hard, indicating that despite how understanding she was being she was still upset

"You love her" said Kim slowly staring at him with sad eyes "and even when you're not together you are still paying her more attention than anyone and anything else in your life. That means something"

He nodded remorsefully before asking: "It wasn't all bad though, was it?"

"No" she said her eyes tearing "not all bad, most of it was good, you were really great in the beginning… but for you" she started before getting choked up "but for you, there has never really been anyone who even came close…It wouldn't have lasted between us anyway. I'm too good for you." she said as an attempt at a joke, but the effect was ruined by the waiver in her voice.

"What the- Lily- you and Lily-" Jacob interrupted finally managing to catch on to their conversation. He trailed off, scrutinizing James for a moment, then he said "but she hates you?" before enlightenment came to his eyes, "So that's why she was eager to defend you and get away from me!"

"What?" James asked his attention momentarily diverted from Kim's resolute yet sad face.

"Her, she got all defensive when I bad mouthed you, it's because…"

"Because what—and what did you mean earlier when you said that she wouldn't care about you cheating? Why wouldn't she care?"

Jacob was about to answer, but James didn't hear him, he had suddenly decided he didn't really care what the bastard had to say, he wasn't good enough for Lily or Kim and unexpectedly he found the whole situation hysterical and he could help himself, he began to laugh.

"What?" asked an offended Jacob.

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to control himself but failing "I just, I can't believe it."

"Can't believe what?" Jacob asked in a voice that indicated he was worried about James' sanity.

"Nothing, nothing it's just ….Well this is so…so ironic," he continued chuckling.

He turned to Kim took her hand and said: "I'm sorry you're right, I wasn't faithful either and I wasn't a very good boyfriend, so I guess I have no right to be angry at you. I'm sorry I called you those names, but despite what I said and what you may think, I wasn't angry just because he was cheating on Lily."

She nodded her head in quiet acceptance, and smiled faintly at him. "I don't believe you, but it means a lot that you would say it"

"What—wait-" Jacob said, but James didn't respond, he felt distinctly relived that he had one less problem to deal with: getting rid of Kim. With this thought in mind he brushed off his clothes, gave Kim a last nod, flicked Jacob off and strolled away with a distinct spring in his step.

There was a slight hitch in his stride thought when he realise he still had to tell Lily about Jacob cheating and he still had to convince her to dump the bastard and then give him a chance.

But as he picked up his pace again he took solace in the fact that one problem was solved and that was better than nothing

---

A/N

Thank you to cosmopolitan and to all the lovely, splendid, _forgiving _people who reviewed:

justplainstupid, kiki08, IWantToMarryJames, potterlady4691, Cymru01, Lady Knight Keladry, Froody, zuska1985, brianna24, mrsbrandonflowers, IzaBella Pheonix, TickleBug, Chelle-Lynn, Brighton Baby, thestralwhisperer, shortyroc, LillyEvans13, KATExYOU, T-H-E OANA


	14. Undeserved

AN:

Well fuck its not a hallucination... its a update! LOL

As I have said in many of my replies to you patient and wonderful readers, I AM SO SORRY for the wait but unfortunately real life must come first and for me real life came in the form of 5 hideously traumatic and brutal exams all over the space of a week. I am afraid I had no time to do more that revise, eat, sleep, and occasionally pee…. ok that may be a bit of an overstatement but I was _very_ busy with revision

Despite that the important thing to remember is that I'm BACKKKKKKK (does a little happy dance)

And here is the new chap… BUT

I really REALLY wasn't sure about posing this version… but I felt so bad for making you wait as long as I already have that I decided I just had to post… and so here it is…

I warn you though my beta was… shocked to say the least and appeared to be left a little speechless that I could be this…cruel… let me know what you think by remembering to review

Once again I really did try to post and am genuinely sorry about the wait

Onward!

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It was almost midnight when James finally reached the hospital wing, having had decided it would be best if he took some time to digest everything that had happened that day, before going and charging off to talk to Lily. And he was glad he had, he would have been emotionally charged enough without having to deal with whatever was about to come.

He knew it probably wasn't going to go well, especially because it was coming from him. It had occurred to him during his musing that she wouldn't believe him; he was the bloke's competition after all. Not to mention James and Kim had both gone into their relationship eyes wide open, he figured Lily was a little more sentimental and romantic about her relationship than he had been about his own. It was probably going to be a blow.

No matter how it went though he had failed to keep track of the time, and by the time he realised how long it had been he was a little unsure as to whether she would have been released yet or not. One very large part of him wanted her to be okay enough to leave, but another tiny part hoped she would still be there, that would guarantee privacy—privacy they would not get when she returned to the hero's welcome she was likely to receive once she stepped foot back in Gryffindor tower.

James looked up and found he had finally reached the imposing hospital wing doors, where he couldn't help but hesitate for just a moment.

---

It was pitch black outside, and the castle was completely silent. It was a little unnerving, but peaceful at the same time. She was staring out the window thinking when she heard the door open.

She had been sort of expecting it, and so she waited with bated breath.

At first she could only feel his warm breath on her neck but then after a few moments she felt the tentative touch of his hand, gently caressing the back of her neck.

"Are you alright?" he said in a low voice just as she felt a strong arm wrap around her torso.

"Yes" she whispered placing a hand gently on top of his, "are you?"

"Much better now that I've seen you for myself," he said, pulling her even closer to him as his words brought with them a tense silence.

Eventually, however, Lily broke it, "I was so scared; why would you jump in front of me like that?"

"Because it was you." he said gently, before lightly kissing her neck.

She repositioned her head to lean back against his chest, needing the contact as confirmation that he was there and still in one piece, before saying, in a small voice, "You could have been hurt."

"I'm fine," he reassured her. "Except I have to admit that I hate that _he_ was the one who got to comfort you," he whispered into her hair.

She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it when slowly, torturously in her opinion, his fingers gently traced a path down the column of her throat to the buttons at the top of her hospital issue pyjamas and let it continue until his hand was resting just inside the shirt, over her heart. Then he leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss on her neck, letting his tongue make a slow trail across her skin.

It was only the lightest of caresses but it seemed such a gentle, loving caress, that it shocked her. It was as if he believed her to be the most precious thing in the world. It was definitely not a normal part of whatever this was, and it definitely wasn't allowed she had to remind herself forcefully. He had a girlfriend and she would not be the other woman no matter how much she liked him or how good he made her feel.

But before she could tell him her thoughts, he had thrown all caution aside and was kissing her, roughly—passionately, touching her everywhere he could reach, trying to prevent his heart from breaking at the thought that he had almost lost her. His mind hadn't let him face what had almost happened until just now when he had felt her strong and slightly fast heartbeat. But now that he was there—with her and they were alone and exposed he was desperate for her, desperate to affirm they were both alive and well. That fear seemed to consume him and the more he thought about it, the more he increased the strength of his kiss.

Lily could feel the urgency in his touch and couldn't help but reciprocate as she felt that same need for reassurance. She couldn't believe what he had done for her especially after the way she had been treating him recently.

Wrapped up as they were, James didn't realise he had pushed her back across one of the beds behind them until her back hit the mattress. He leaned over her kissing her with every last breath when suddenly it occurred to him what he was doing. He was being selfish; she was in the hospital wing recovering from a Death Eater attack while her boyfriend was off snogging other girls and he was trying to take advantage of her. But just as he gained some control over himself and was pushing himself off of her, she reached up and pulled him back on top of her, and for another few moments he was lost. He had always been weak when it came to her.

So he settled between her legs and kissed her fiercely while he ran his hands up and down gently feeling her warm body thought her thin pyjamas. Just as James started to unbutton the front buttons of her shirt, he realised they were about to become overwhelmed with each other again and he wasn't sure his heart could stand a repeat of the previous 'incident' between them, things had spiralled out of control then too and then it had all gone very wrong very quickly. With those thoughts in mind he wrenched himself away from her gasping before pulling her up roughly and wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"I'm sorry," he said gently resting his chin on the crown of her head, "but we are getting carried away again and we really need to talk."

"Yeah, you're right, I think we do," she replied breathlessly into his chest.

So they both sat together on the edge of one of the beds for a moment trying to regain their composure, James with his arms wrapped protectively around Lily.

"James," she finally mumbled her voice shaking, "what are we doing—why are we doing it? We agreed what happened between us is just physical and it's wrong. I mean people are going to wonder, its amazing no one has caught on already all the foolish mistakes we've been making."

James wisely decided now was not the time to tell her that everyone important already knew, and so instead said "So we're finally acknowledging that every time we meet and say it's the last time, that it's going to stop, we're lying to ourselves?"

She pulled back a little and just looked at him and he finally said "well actually it was you who agreed it was only physical, and I tried to follow your wishes, but I can't stay detached, not any more, and definitely not with you Lily. What happened to you—the worry I felt, as if I was going to be physically sick, and I've never been so scared in all my life."

"What about Kim?" she asked in a small voice. "It's not right" she continued in a voice laced with hurt and guilt.

"She is everything I should have wanted, but she's not you. I would kiss her and have to stop myself from thinking about you—"

"Well that's not good enough, she's your girlfriend, try harder," she ordered, pushing him back even further and staring in to his eyes.

"Look honestly from the first moment we kissed," he said seriously, staring directly back at her, "I knew you were the one. In fact I knew long before that."

After a pause in which Lily merely raised her eyebrows he finally said, a little self consciously, "There was a reason I kept asking you out when we were younger"

"You were infatuated,"

"No Lily… I loved you…"

"No," she said quickly. "Don't say that, if it was anything it was puppy love, you haven't even liked me for years, love just doesn't go away," she said shaking her head a little.

"Your right it didn't go away," he said forcefully. "I just buried it convinced that this was never going to happen. Look, honestly, the moment I saw you I knew there was something between us or at least that there could be. But you turned out to be so unreceptive to my feelings that I figured that it didn't really matter how I felt if you couldn't stand to be near me let alone date me. So I left you alone, but when we actually hooked up Lily I knew…I knew I still needed you and wanted you and that what was between us hadn't been my imagination because this time round you were enjoying it as much as me."

She turned away form him and he desperately said "I really wish I wasn't in love with you. I hate the thought of what I've been doing to Kim; I would even go so far as to say I despise myself. But it's a lie being with her and what I was doing was just hurtful."

"What were you doing to her?" asked Lily with a tinge of jealousy.

"I was pretending to love her." he replied quietly.

"You're talking nonsense."

"I'm not, Lily," he sighed. "But okay, I won't argue with you about it right now…whatever this is now… whether its like or lust… or love" he said looking intently at her trying gauge her reaction. "We can't keep doing it this way, it's not right."

He received no response.

"Lily" he said anxiously before grabbing her hand and turning her back to face him. "I want to be with you… not her, not anyone else! But this needs to become legitimate or it ends, what we have at the moment is—it's twisted and it isn't enough, I'm not sure anything I ever have with you will ever be enough, but _this_ is awful and I can't believe that I'll actually ever be able to walk away from you, but—but I will if I have to, even if it breaks my heart."

"If you want me you can have me, but you need to decide now."

"Even if I wanted you too," she replied shakily, "I refuse to be the other woman… and anyway you can't expect me to just up and change my life, change my opinions of you, turn my world upside down without any time to think about it."

He scoffed at her, "this has been going on for too long now for you to honestly be able to say you can't make a decision… that you haven't thought about it… and as far as being the other woman goes you are the only woman I want…I brok--"

"What exactly is it that you want from me?" she sighed quietly.

"I want to be the one you go to whenever you're in trouble or upset, I want to be allowed to hold you whenever I want, I want you to be happy all the time and especially whenever you see me. I'm willing to do anything for you and I want you to feel the same. I want you to be with me, be my girlfriend, and—Merlin I don't know, maybe even marry me one day."

She gave him a sharp look "Get a grip Potter."

James threw his hands up in the air, "How can you forget everything we've come to mean to each other, like there is nothing between us, when I can't stop thinking about you? When I think about you so much sometime I think I'm going to go crazy if I can't see you?"

"James-"

"No! You are so desperate to fight this you can't see what's right in front of your face? Why has it always been this way between us? Why is it always me trying to convince, coax, or bribe you to do something, to get you to even give an inch? Why can it never be easy, why do you have to fight me every fucking step of the way. I'm sick of this. Open your eyes Lily; you want me, why can't you see that? Are you so buried in denial that you really believe this is just physical because this would have ended a long time ago if that was the case" he finished angrily.

"Just give us a chance," he finally said after a deep breath, giving her hand a squeeze. "Is that really too much for you to do?"

James waited for minute after agonising minute but she still remained silent, staring at their joined hands.

"Lily, please?" James eventually implored her to say something the emotion in his voice evident. His pain sounded raw and desperate causing her heart to stop. She stared at him a moment tears welling up in her eyes before she turned away from him again and dropped his hand.

Seeing this James thought he actually felt his heart break. He knew she wanted him, he knew she knew she wanted him, but that just made this all the more painful, all the worse, because she _knew_ and she was still walking away, and so he finally gave in. "Goodbye Lily," he said as he kissed her forehead before getting up and leaving.

Lily waited until he was out of the room and out of hearing range before breaking down into great wrenching sobs.

-----

AN

So was it worth the wait? Was I too mean? Should I have spent longer posting and made this chap a nice happy fluffy end to the story??

Either way this is not the last chap but the story is almost over.

The next chap (possibly the last) is in the beginning stages of being written so there shouldn't be any more _ridiculously_ long waits and so please forgive and forget and review.

xxxxxxx

Thank you to the beta and to all those who reviewed

Cymru01, kiki08, TickleBug, Lady Knight Keladry, Yay-Watermelons, WhiteCamellia, brianna24, siabrach, thestralwhisperer, IWantToMarryJames, T-H-E OANA, mrsbrandonflowers, justplainstupid, vampireprincess1606, cameraobscura18, zuska1985, Chelle-Lynn, potterlady4691, sheila1990, KATExYOU, Froody, overly-awesome


	15. A Very Bad Day

James hadn't left straight away as Lily had assumed he had, but instead after closing the door behind him had leaned his head against the door and tried to take a few deep breaths past the lump that had formed in his own throat. He certainly didn't want to walk through the school looking like he was about to cry, even if nobody was out at this time of night.

Just as he was about to leave he heard her. Heard her start to cry, she sounded so desperately heartbroken that he turned around and rested his forehead on the wooden door while his hand reached out and settled on the door knob.

But suddenly after having been standing there for what felt like ages he realised what he was about to do and he removed his hand like the door knob had burnt him, pushed his body away from the door, turned swiftly, and walked in the other direction fighting his heart and his instinctual desire to go and make it all better for her.

This was her fault and he was done being the Muppet who couldn't say no, who couldn't deny her anything. He had finally realised he wasn't enough for her and he was done begging. He'd tried that with her and it hadn't worked, he just couldn't take any more, he wasn't strong enough.

As he strode further away from the hospital wing and further away from her he felt something shift inside making his heart go a little cold and suddenly he made a promise to himself: he was never going to let her hurt him like this again, he wasn't going to give her the chance.

He eventually reached his own bed and started to undress mechanically, like his body was simply on autopilot.

Sirius had watched him enter and walk over to his bed, watched the sharp calculated moves of his hand and felt his heart sink.

He stood up and stood next to James and stared sympathetically at him, James hands stilled in their movements at Sirius's presence.

"James are—are you alright?"

"Fine," James replied in what Sirius recognised as the cold voice, one that he used whenever he was about to break down, the voice he used when he had shut down his emotions, a desperate attempt to prevent himself from completely falling apart. That fact truly worried Sirius as he had only ever heard that tone from James twice and he didn't want to repeat either of those times.

Sirius didn't say anything else just put a hand on his shoulder and they both stood there quietly.

And even though James would never say it to Sirius, and Sirius didn't need to hear it, they both knew that, albeit a small one, it was a comfort.

Sirius gave one last squeeze and showing an understanding of James that James was always in awe of, walked over to his own bed where he retook his place, lying down without saying a word and without pestering him for answers, but did not close the curtains like he would have under normal circumstances, merely turned and watched as James copied his movements. Sirius, the quiet and supportive presence, was the only thing that allowed James to even attempt to sleep.

--

The next morning Lily pried her sore eyes open and put a hand to her aching head as Emily banged her way into the hospital wing looking fit to burst.

"Well?!" she demanded from across the room. "Did you get together? Are you in love? Can I be a bridesmaid?" she said, giggling uncharacteristically at her own implications, before throwing herself down into the chair next to Lily's bed and finally taking a good look at her.

"What the bloody….ooh if that stupid git fucked this up again I'm going to cut off his balls and use them as ornaments on my mantelpiece!"

"What?" croaked Lily her throat sore from her crying, "How did you know?… Oh Merlin how much do you know?!"

"All of it, I think." said Emily frowning "It kind of came out last night, but don't blame James he didn't tell us we found out, but forget that for a moment because Lily you look like you have been crying all night…did things not go well with James?"

"You could say that," she replied just as the first tear of the day slid down her cheek.

Emily leant forward worriedly, cradling Lily's hand, "What happened flower?"

Seeing her friend looking so sympathetic, so worried about her made her start to cry harder. But Lily told the story around her tears as best as she could, feeling shame rise in her with every word. She knew she had made the right decision but she still felt like she needed to be punished for causing both herself and James so much pain.

When she was done Emily stared at her for a moment before whispering in a barely controlled voice "You did what!?"

"You heard me," Lily answered whilst picking at her cover so that she didn't have to see Emily and the look she was probably giving her.

"But why!?" Emily cried. "What did you _do_ you absolute moron… I just cant believe you really did something this stupid…

"What do you _mean_ why? Of course I turned him down, I didn't want to, but everything is just so complicated and I don't know how to _un_complicate it."

"It complicated because _you_ made it so Lily!" said Emily sharply, "What childish, weak, _stupid_ reason did you give yourself to justify this foolish decision?" Emily asked crossly letting go of Lily's hand and leaning back in the chair she was in.

"He has a girlfriend already Emily! And I know I was cheating too, but how can I be with someone who comes to me and begs me to be with them when they still have a back up girlfriend? I made a lot of mistakes with James and by starting this weird twisted relationship, but I'm doing my best to make up for that. If James and I are ever going to be together I don't want it to be tainted by this, with her feelings on my conscience.—Not to mention, James and I, together, make one of the weirdest pairings I can imagine, we would fight constantly he would always be doing something stupid and I would turn out to be too cold and calculating for him… it just wouldn't work!"

"No Lily you're wrong! You are anything but cold and calculating; and James does _ridiculous_ things, not _stupid_ ones, there is a difference. Either way there is something about you and James, something different. Yeah, I don't agree with the cheating part, but this has been bubbling below the surface for both of you for too long, so I'm not surprised that once it started, that you couldn't stop. You two fit. I can see it, Sirius and Remus can see it, and I bet most of the school can as well! Then there's poor James who saw it before any of us. Why can't you Lily!?"

"What are you so bloody frightened of? I never thought I would take Potters side over yours, but right now Lily…" she trailed off

Emily took a deep calming breath before adding "It's unfortunate for Kim and Jacob but you can't live your life trying to protect everyone's feelings. It's better to end those relationships if both of you are aware of the fact that there's someone else out there who you would rather be with. It's not fair to you and it's definitely not fair on them; they deserve to have someone who reciprocates their feelings completely not with them just because it's convenient."

"I know that!" Lily shouted "and that's part of the reason I broke up with Jacob."

"Really, you broke up with him?" Emily asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I did. Yesterday after you left and before James came to see me, I was going to do it anyway, but he was being such a twat yesterday that I couldn't even bare to stay with him any longer."

"Well…well good!" said Emily with a nod of her head to emphasise her approval. "But you are still in a whole world of a mess here Lily and you brought it on yourself and… and I think I may be a little too angry at your stupidity to help you."

--

_T__oday was definitely not a good day_ Lily thought miserably: Emily was mad at her, she had stomped all over James heart, stomped all over her own, and she had yet to stop crying. Even she had to admit even she was a little surprised by how upset she was.

"So you and James, eh?"

Oh and her day just got worse.

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly.

"Don't play stupid Lily it doesn't suit you… and I deserve the truth, we both need to have this conversation."

"Nothing is going on between me and James… there was, but…"she admitted, deciding he was right and being truthful for the first time in what seemed forever.

She was expecting him to be upset at her, to shout at her, and so she was surprised when he said: "Why, what happened?"

"I turned him down."

"Oh why?" he asked as if it pained him, "You and I were broken up after all, what was stopping you?"

"I'll say the same thing to you as I said to Emily, how can I be with someone who comes to me and begs me to be with them when they still have someone else? It was bad enough what we had—never mind… anyway how could I do that to Kim? How could I do that to _anyone_?"

"You still felt that way even after James told you?" he asked incredulously. "I know you can be pretty selfless Lily, but that might be a bit extreme, even for you."

"What? What should he have told me and why would it make me selfless?"

Hearing that Jacob's mouth snapped shut in a tight line and he started weighing up his options, but suddenly he became resigned. He wasn't going to get in the way if this, even if it would save his own arse if he didn't confess. Just like Kim he could see… even if she couldn't.

"He caught me, caught me in a broom cupboard with someone right after we broke up… I'm sorry," he added hurriedly, "but well I was upset and—"

Lily held up a hand to stop him, "It's okay, I think we can call it even, there is no need to apologise."

"Anyway he hit me… _a lot_," he said gesturing to his still cut lip. "And at first I thought it was because I was with Kim, but it quickly became more than obvious that he was more worried about you than the fact I had cheated with his girlfriend."

Lily sat there with her mouth hanging open before chocking out "Wait what… what did you just say?"

"I said I cheated on you."

She waved the sentence away frantically causing Jacob to take a small slightly frightened step back "NO!" she almost shouted. "No, after that, what did you say?"

Jacobs face saddened before saying, "I was with Kim. She was the one in the cupboard with me… James loves you, even Kim could see it. She told him, to his face, how pathetic she thought it was that she had to be the one to tell him and… well the general gist of it is that they broke up and by the sounds of it… he came straight to see you."

Lily nodded, before ineloquently saying "Oh."

Lily stood perfectly still for a moment before collapsing into a heap again and crying so hard Jacob was worried she would hurt herself.

"Oh Lily," sighed Jacob almost sympathetically before crouching down and placing his hand on her back.

"If you like him so much why don't you just go to him? He'll understand, I really think he loves you," he said so quietly she almost couldn't hear him over her own sobs.

Nevertheless she did hear and she threw her arms round his neck and hugged him tight ,"You are such a good man." she managed to say "I'm sorry I've treated you so poorly, it really wasn't my intention to hurt you, you were a good boyfriend and I was just rubbish to you I'm so sorry—"

"I don't fucking believe it!" they heard a male voice shout from the door way, they both turned still embracing to see Sirius standing in the door way looking ready to kill.

"If this was your reason… that you just wanted to continue with this prick you should have just fucking said Evans! I thought I would come here and try and sort out this mess, I thought you loved him, that you were just too fucking scared or stupid to get with him. I actually felt a little bad for you because I thought I understood how hard this decision was for you especially when I found out James was stupid enough not to tell you what happened between Kim and Jacob… I thought of course she would say no despite recent events Lily Evans is not a cheater!… and his timing was poor as usual, I mean you're still in the hospital wing for goodness sake…but don't worry I see _exactly_ what you are now, you just like playing with his feelings, it just gives you a boost to think he's out there pining after you! So you know what I certainly I won't be trying to fix anything anymore and I certainly won't be bothering you again," he ended, giving her a dirty look before turning around and leaving slamming the door as he went.

"Oh dear, umm… shouldn't you go after him and explain?" Jacob asked. "This could be your chance Lily."

Lily didn't answer though; she just sat on the floor staring at the door with tears streaming down her face.

"You're making a mistake." whispered Jacob with obvious difficulty before he stood up and quietly followed in Sirius's footsteps.

_Oh fuck_ she thought maybe she was a fool. Out of everyone and every thing she had done, all the people she had deceived during the thing with James; Jacob, her friends Emily and Lucy, and especially James himself when she told him she didn't care, she realised none of it compared to the way she had convinced herself into believing she couldn't shouldn't and wouldn't ever care for James, it had been a deception of the worst kind the kind where she had deceived her self.

And suddenly she felt overwhelming panic rising in her over what she may have just lost.

_Yes_ Lily thought after she had finally dragged herself up off the floor hours later and into the hospital wing bed, _this has been a very bad day._

---

AN:

Now how about that for a swift update!

I hope it goes someway to making you all forgive me for the period of absence.

Ok so the next chapter is probably the last… I know I said that last time, but I think I'm right this time.

Because it is the last, this is my final opportunity to bribe you to review and as such:

If you want me to post the next chap swiftly I would like to beat my record for reviews for one chapter, if not more (hint hint) (25 if you were wondering)

It would make me very happy : )

Thanks to cosmo and all those who reviewed:

justplainstupid, IWantToMarryJames, potterlady4691, siabrach, thestralwhisperer, WhiteCamellia, brianna24, mrsbrandonflowers, overly-awesome, Lady Knight Keladry, IzaBella Pheonix, kiki08, KATExYOU, Froody, WestSide Love, Confoundment


	16. Forgiveness

Dedicated to all the regular reviewers and to those who wanted her to beg, I hope this meets your expectations.

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At first she thought it was going to be simple; she would just walk up to him and he would listen and he would forgive her, like they both wanted him to, and everything would… work out. But she had been so very wrong

Instead of the forgiving and the loving and the passionate embrace she had been vainly hoping for, she was receiving, from James, a cold shoulder so big she felt like she had been encased in ice.

She had been trying to talk to him for the last five days and every time she even came close he would just walk away. He wouldn't look at her, or talk to her, he wouldn't even walk down the same corridor she was in, or sit in the common room while she was there.

It was _heartbreaking_.

It was fair to say he had effectively stopped acknowledging that she even existed, which was a massive shock to her system because for many years now she had been the centre of his world, even if they had both tried very hard to fight the fact.

However it was not all bad Lily thought to herself sarcastically; after all the rest of the Marauder's occasionally took the time to give her a dirty look which she supposed was a step up from the total disregard she was receiving from their fearless leader.

And Emily had now finally deigned to forgive her, and they were now back to normal. Well as long as they didn't talk about the Potter fiasco, or Potter himself, or the Marauders or anything even remotely related to the last few months. It was almost impossible but Lily persevered knowing that right now she needed a good friend. No matter how angry said friend was.

And to top it all off she was late.

She was pretty sure that there was a rule somewhere that said that the Head Girl was not allowed to be late to her own meeting. Yet despite her lack of punctuality she still found herself dragging her feet.

The thing was that she really wasn't sure if she was ready for this. She was healed and she felt fine physically, she just wasn't sure of James' reaction. This would be the first time where he would be forced to communicate with her. This meeting was going to be the first opportunity since that day where he was going to have no choice but to stay in the same room as her. It was going to be the first time that he would _have _to be where she was, and she had sworn to herself no matter how difficult it was going to be, that once she had him pinned down, she was going to force him to talk to her. She was determined to sort this out once and for all.

When she finally reached the prefects room, she had the fleeting thought that it was kind of fitting that the confrontation was going to happen there, before she cautiously opened the door.

--

They were packing up after the prefects meeting and were the last ones in the room when Lily finally tried to approach him but he held up a hand halting her progress before she'd even managed two steps, "You've made your choice, you know where I stand. There's really nothing else for either of us to say." he said in a steely voice before shoving the last of his belongings into his bag flinging it over his shoulder and stomping towards the exit.

"Wait!" she shouted desperate to stop him from leaving her, "You were right – I had to choose and I should have chosen you right then and there!" she blurted.

His back stiffened for a moment before he turned his cold eyes on her. "No, you don't get it! You can't do this. It's over. You made your decision. You made it when you pushed me away. It doesn't matter what you do or say now, you had your chance and you blew it. Now act like an adult and deal with the consequences of your actions."

"James," she tried again taking a tentative step towards where his was standing "please listen to me; I know I should have chosen to be with you. Trust me there has never even really been a contest when it comes to you. I didn't want to end it. It's been you since the moment you first kissed me, as corny as that sounds, and – I'm so sorry for everything. I know that's not really adequate, that it doesn't erase all the awful, _awful_ things that have happened between us but its all I can really say." she finish taking yet another tentative step.

He watched her take the small step almost abstractly before he said with a slightly hysterical edge to his voice, "Stop it!" making her freeze in her hesitant steps halfway across the room "I don't want you near me, I can't have you near me. Just leave me the fuck alone! As I've already said you made your decision. Now learn to live with it and get away from me."

"No,"

"What!?" He choked.

"I said no." she replied as calmly as she could, but still managing to sound rather strangled "I'm not going anywhere. This time I'm going to be the one to beg, barter, coax and bribe until I wear _you_ down and _you_ give in just like I _know_ you want too."

"I don't fucking well want too! What I want is for you to get away from me."

She just shook her head, "You can shout and swear you can even hit me if you like. But I am staying right here until you give in, or at least until you really start to _listen_ to what I have to say."

"Fine I'll leave." He said giving her a dirty look and pushing past her, "I have no problem with that as long as I get as far away from _you_ as possible."

"I'm just going to follow you," she said in what in any other situation would be considered a teasing voice "so you may as well just give in."

"Follow me?" he laughed derisively spinning around to face her again "You do realise who I am right?" He asked looking at her pityingly "A Marauder, as in I know this school better than any other student. As in I know every classroom, broom closet, hallway, secret passage, exit and piece of furniture in this place….and I know it with my eyes closed."

"Yes, that's very true and very impressive." she said nodding seriously "But you're missing the point; I'm dedicated and it is very difficult, nigh impossible, getting me to change my mind once it's made up about something. You should know that better than anyone else, after all you have been on the receiving end of my stubbornness for years."

He stared hard at her for a few moments "Fine. What is it that you want to say?" He said waiving his hands about in a mock polite gesture for her to continue "Go ahead… alleviate your conscience!" he stopped his theatrics abruptly saying "Just whatever it is, spit it out so I don't have to look at you any more."

That comment stung but Lily had always been able to give just as good as she got, it was probably one of the things that first drew James attention, "Why don't you want to look at me James?" she asked ruthlessly "Is it because you really hate me or is it because it hurts too much?"

"Now who's arrogant Evans? That comment was 'Potter' worthy." he drawled with a raised eyebrow.

"Come on James," she coaxed stepping towards him again "just give in you know you're going too eventually."

"No I'm not. I don't want this any more." he said slowly and deliberately staring hard at her "I just can't have you near me right now because everything is still too fresh."

"James who do you think you're fooling?" she said taking another step, "You still want this. That's why you're finding it so difficult to ignore, why you can't bare to be in a room with me."

"Just back the fuck off!" He groaned running his hands though his hair.

But she didn't listen she simply took the final step towards him so that she ended up less than a centimetre away

He looked down into her eyes and Lily held her breath for a moment seeing his resolve waiver slightly before he pushed her away with some difficulty, "Fuck! I hate the power that you have over me – you're take advantage of how I feel about you and it's not right. Would you please, _please_ just leave me alone? How am I supposed to get over you if you are always everywhere I am?" he said annoyance both at his traitorous body and at her, lacing his voice.

"Well that was a stupid thing to tell me, because I don't want you to get over me. So now I'm definitely not going to go anywhere!"

"Well tough, it not always about you and there is nothing I want more than to get over you. So are you done now? Are you satisfied that you have had your way _again_? Am I finally dismissed from your noxious presence?" he said regaining his composure and his anger.

"What?" she whispered disorientated by the switch in his emotion. She had been so sure she had been wearing him down.

"Can I go?" He rephrase as though he was talking to an idiot.

She was momentarily knocked off course by this new cruel demeanour but after a moment she composed herself and said in exactly the same tone he had used with her "No."

In response to her answer, his shoulders sagged the smallest amount. It was so small that if Lily had not been watching him so closely she would not have noticed.

"Fine. You're really going to make me go thought this again… like you haven't done enough already." he scoffed, "Well then, lets at least do it properly. That way you might actually leave me alone this time."

"Yes." she said desperately, her hand twitching wanting to reach out to him but knowing that she shouldn't "That's all I want, I want for us to talk about this properly. Even if you're never going to forgive me I still want to know I did everything in my power to try and fix this."

He rolled his eyes at her before he took and deep breath and finally lowered his guard completely giving her a look so full of pain and anger that Lily thought she had stopped breathing for a moment, "Listen to me carefully because I want you to have a full understanding the damage you've done." He said slowly his voice trembling only slightly.

He paced a moment and she watched him "I gave up everything for something that you deemed unworthy over and over again. Over something that I should have known was never going to last." he said mirthlessly "I risked damaging my relationship with Sirius and the rest of the Marauders by lying to them, I ignored Kim to the extent that she cheated on me. I got into a fight, I snuck around after curfew. I abused my authority by misusing the privileges that have been given to us, all of which jeopardised my Head Boy badge and my Captaincy. I risked my reputation, my sanity and my heart… I risked _everything_ just to sneak around with you. And now you want to talk, now that you have decided you're ready, that you have finally discovered that you want this. Well it's too late, I can't—" he paused momentarily to take a deep breath trying to find composure again "I _can't_ take anymore, and I don't want to either."

She stared at him, tears brimming in her eyes but steadfastly refusing to let them fall. She could hear his pain loud and clear, it was ringing in her ears, and it made her hate herself more than she ever thought possible.

"For once I'm actually going to be the one to walk away from you." he finished quietly.

"No, please, just hang on –"

"NO!" he shouted "Go play your games with someone else Evans!" he said before spinning around to glare at her only to find her a hairs breadth away from him.

"I'm not playing games." she said still on the verge of tears which she continued to stubbornly hold at bay, "and—and I'm so sorry that—that I don't even know what to say! I don't even have the words I don't think there are enough words in the world, to apologise properly. Other than to tell you that I was naive and stubborn and that at first I didn't want this to be real. When this first starting happening I was shocked and then scared and then so confused because it was so wrong what we were doing. It went against everything I have ever known or said about you, but it felt so good and it was so…. addictive I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't help myself even though I knew it was going to end badly."

"And I'm so sorry for saying that it was just physical, but we both had other people and just… I didn't know how to react… everything about this has been totally out of character for me. I'm not a cheater, I'm not prone to emotional outburst, well other than angry ones and even then seemingly only when you are in the vicinity. I'm not normally cruel or thoughtless and I would never intentionally hurt other people. I didn't know how to handle this, to handle you, handle my feelings for you. You know exactly how to push me into saying and thinking about everything I don't want to acknowledge and it makes me defensive."

"And as for in the hospital wing….I have no defence for my actions other that to repeat that I'm sorry for pushing you away and to tell you that I thought you were still with Kim and I just couldn't bare to keep up the sick little cycle we had created."

All through her speech he had remained still watching her and after a pause where he still said nothing she stared into his eyes and said quietly and earnestly "You're loyal, brave, caring and intelligent, stubborn, temperamental and so passionate and – and I love you for all those reasons and so many more and I didn't want to push you away, I wanted to be with you more than anything. I still do want that. Please forgive me."

After that admission she looked away quickly unable to stare into his unresponsive eyes anymore before clearing her throat and continuing as strongly and with as much conviction as she could "Which is why, I'm not giving up on this, not when we're both finally free and we both want it. It's taken so long for us to get here… I'm not going to make the same mistakes all over again."

"Could you repeat that?" he said in a strained voice.

"I said I'm sorry." she replied furrowing her eyebrows.

"NO. Did you say that you—that you l—lov"

"That I love you? Yes I did and I do. I mean it so totally and completely that it's a little overwhelming to be honest. But I'm done fighting it."

He took a sharp deep breath through his nose.

"I love you." she repeated when he started to shake his head in the negative.

She put her hands on either side of his head trying to still his movement, his eyes closing in a mixture of pain and relief at the contact. "I love you." she repeated slowly. "Very much."

"No you don't!" he suddenly burst out, she tried to interrupt but he continued "No you don't! When you love someone you don't treat them badly Lily. Don't convince yourself of something that's not true. You'll just end up hurting the both of us… again."

"Don't say that! Don't tell me what I do and don't feel. I love you. Please forgive me." she begged "I don't know if I can function without you anymore. I miss you so much I can't think straight."

"What about your boyfriend?" he said suddenly harsh again shaking himself free from her grasp but not stepping back "I'm sure he can help you _function._"

"I broke up with him." she replied quickly, "What Sirius saw was nothing. I broke up with him long before you came to the hospital… so I could be with you… be with you the way I wanted to be. But when you came to see me I thought you were still with Kim and I just couldn't do it James! I couldn't keep doing what we were doing either. I thought I was doing the right thing. I just underestimated how much it was going to hurt and how completely wrong my decision was. I don't have excuses or reasons but I do know I don't want you to walk away from me, from us. In fact, I would like it if you never left me again."

He sighed "I know you want me Lily, the problem is you just don't want me enough and I cant be with someone who I'm in love with if they don't love me back, no one should have to live like that."

"No, I do want you and I do love you enough, and if you love me…" she trailed off.

She was starting to make him angry "You feel it!" he said, "If what you're saying is true and if the last few months have been any indication, you feel what's between us. You have always felt it and yet you have spent years ignoring it, pretending that you hated me, knowing it was hurting me, that I desperately wanted to be with you. If you loved me why would you do that?"

"No Lily," he said shaking his head, "you don't love me, if you think that's love then….you don't know what love is."

"I do, and I do love you." she replied stubbornly repeating herself. She would say it over and over again until he believed her.

He couldn't stand it any longer he had to punish her, he had to show her, prove it to her. He needed to show her how she made him feel. She wasn't listening to him she just keep repeating that she loved him, and every time she said it his heart constricted. He couldn't bear to hear it again if it wasn't true….

So he did the only thing he could think of; he grabbed her face and kissed her roughly, expecting her to be shocked and to pull away like she had in the past, proving to her that he was right. What he wasn't expecting was for her to reciprocate instantly. Before in their various meetings during the first few second of any kiss she always seemed hesitated before relenting and kissing him back, but this time she seem to give herself over to him completely, curling her arms around his neck and holding on to him so tightly, there was no room to breathe. She was clinging to him as if she was afraid he would pull away he realise with a glimmer of hope rising in him, his heart starting to thaw a little.

He groaned into her mouth indulging himself for a moment before he tore his mouth harshly away staring at her with confused and shocked eyes.

"I told you," she said giving him the barest hint of a smile "or have been trying to anyway" she continued breathlessly rubbing her thumb gently on his cheek "I love you and I'm never going to deny this or _you_ again."

"I'm so sick of all the miscommunications James, sick of coming so close only to have something cock it up at the last moment." she sighed "its getting to be really annoying. So if it's alright and you're willing to listen I would just like to get this straight once and for all. I broke up with Jacob because of you, because of my feelings for you. I'm not stopping you from touching me I'm not hesitating anymore because it's okay for us to be together now. There is nothing standing in our way, we're both free." She said fiercely before she smiled almost shyly and continued "Not to mention that you have such a _huge_ effect on me that I would do anything you asked me to in a heartbeat. I love you and I want to be with you and I am so unbelievable sorry for the way this year has gone but if you let me I will spend as long as it takes trying to make it up to you."

"You… you saw what I couldn't. You saw what was between us long before anyone else and I am so sorry that _I _didn't see it … but I see it now and I want this so badly it hurts."

He shook his head ruefully "This isn't the way love is supposed to be. It's all too hard."

"Nothing worth having comes easily James," she said tightening her arms around him again, afraid that he was still going to leave her "but look on the bright side considering all we've been through to get here , from now on everything should run pretty smoothly… that's if you'll let it?"

He shook his head lightly and opened his mouth to speak but Lily beat him to it "I'm so sorry I'm constantly fucking this up. I don't know why I've acted the way I have over the years. I'm so sorry for what I did and all the things I'm likely to do. In fact, I can't promise I won't do something just as stupid sometime in the future, not with my temper. But I promise James I am going to try my best to make you happy, just give me one more chance to try. I know I don't deserve it, but I really want that chance."

"You really mean it don't you." he said in wonder, her words and her actions finally getting thought to him.

Sensing her potential success she sighed loosening her arms a little but the moment she did he reached around her and brought her right back up close to his body this time he was the one afraid that she was getting ready to flee.

His actions caused her to smile at him beatifically "Does that mean I'm forgiven, that you want to give us a real shot again?" she questioned hopefully.

He sighed leaning his forehead against hers with his eyes close, and for one mad moment Lily thought that he was still going to turn her down. The thought made her feel like she was going to be sick. She had no idea what she would do if he —

"Only if it means that you will forgive me for all the stupid and mean things that I've done."

It took a moment for Lily to process his words before she let out a short relieved laugh and looked into his eyes and said sincerely "Yes. Anything. Merlin yes. I'd forgive you anything." before she kissed him deeply.

She pulled away abruptly startling James, he looked at her confused for a moment and it was so endearing Lily leaned up to kiss his lips quickly before allowing her face to become serious again.

"What, what is it?" he ask with a slight trace of fear in his voice.

"Don't worry," she said quickly to reassure him "I forgive you, there was nothing to forgive. Everything that has happened this year can be left in the past. There's no need to panic every time I pull away anymore" she said caressing his neck gently.

James nodded the worry lines fading a little and just as his lips were about to touch hers again she whispered "But James, cheat on me and I will hunt you down and kill you like the dog that you are."

"Understood" he said solemnly before becoming thoughtful for a moment and then grinning and saying in a voice almost childlike in its giddiness "but I really don't think it's going to be a problem."

Suddenly tears sprang to Lily's eyes again, "What's the matter, now?" James said hurriedly "I promise you're it for me too, I'm never going to cheat on you. I'm going to take you up on that offer to never leave you again. In fact, even if you do decide to leave me, you're going to find yourself a bit stuck because I'm just going to follow you where ever you go."

She gave a watery laugh, "No I believe you. It's just… Really this…. this is real?…Jacob and Kim are out of the picture, you are forgiving me for being a monumental idiot and we are going to be happy? No one and nothing is going to pop out and ruin it all over again?" she choked out desperate to believe it but unable to quite let herself. "No new girlfriend is about to walk in wanting to hex me? No best friend coming in to yell at us? Really?"

"Yeah." he sighed kissing her gently, "I'm so glad it's all over." They stood there just holding each other for what felt like ages before James eventually said "Come on lets get back to the nice warm common room. There's a sofa with our names on it."

But when he tried to move he found himself unable, he looked down at her with a half smile.

"I'm sorry, it's just… I don't want to let you go." she said shyly burying her face into his chest and holding him tighter.

He sighed and as he wrapped his arms back around her he said "its okay, you don't have to… and I don't want you to either."

The End

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AN:

I know there was a looooong wait. And I know you must be getting sick of my apologies but nevertheless I am sorry it took so long… I just had so much trouble writing this. But unless I'm mistaken this is the longest chapter I've written to date :) perhaps that will go someway to making up for it

This chapter has not been beta read, so if there are mistakes that's the reason. The Beta seems to have disappeared on me…. Perhaps she went away for Easter? Anywho I waited a little while but then I realised it had been 2 months since I posted and I decided it was time to finish the story, grammatical errors and all. So don't be too harsh if there is something ridiculous in there, as soon as I get the edited version I will replace this one.

On a brighter note! Well brighter depending on how much you like my writing. I would like to tell you I have a few things simmering away that may be coming to a screen near you soon. I hope you will all do me the honour of checking them out. Have no fear though next time I'm going to try and stay a few chaps ahead of what's posted so that there won't be any long waits.

Actually if there is something that you think would make a good story, or something in particular that you want to see written let me know and I'll see if I can do something with it, coz after my next one shot I'm a little stuck on what to do next. I'm also working on a multi chap but it's coming slowly so I would love something to work on in the mean time.

And finally

Thanks for reading! I really hope you liked this story, that the ending was worth the wait and that you will be gracious and generous enough to leave a review coz as much fun as writing is it can be really hard work (lol)

Thank you so much for staying with the story. And as always thank you to everyone who has ever reviewed but especially to those regular reviewers who never seem to fail to send me something.

It really does mean a lot.

Lalas x


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